A Sparkly Star
I came with my case of toilet paper
And my case of paper towels
And toddler wipes, to keep the buttocks clean, but of course not to clog the toilet with
I came trying to put on the face of order
And:
'It's all under control
I'm organized
I do things the smart way, can't you see?'
And,
'You should strive to be more like me'
I came as a terrified little girl
'Am I sure I'm ready for this?
What if he sees through?
That inside I am not so sure of myself
And echoes of Mom still play in my head:
You're not good enough
You're not wanted here
You're doing it ...
Gotta Love Somebody
When I was married, and incidentally cheating on my husband, I got together with an old friend I hadn't seen in years. I think I was reaching out to all my former mentors because I didn't know what the f*ck to do.
I was unhappy, cheating, getting away with it, feeling shitty about myself, and looking for answers.
I told him how miserable I was in my marriage. He said: "But you're going to stay in the marriage, right?" My face twisted up in a grimace. I told him I wasn't so sure about that. He asked me if I was cheating. I said no. I lied about my ...
Polyamory Revisited
So something exciting has happened in my life. I daresay, I have met someone- first time EVER, people- who meets me on all the levels I need to be met. As usual, I ordered him up from the Universe. I requested someone who meets me spiritually, emotionally, and sexually.
And voila. Thank you, God/dess.
And then something totally surprising happened next. I was on the phone with my bestie, who's pretty damn psychic by the way, and she told me she kept getting the message that I have been polyamorous because I couldn't find everything I wanted in one person.
...
What I Require
I've been having some pretty crazy-good experiences since getting back from Puerto Rico. So much gratitude for so many of my sisters and brothers on their own journeys. Sometimes I am in the role of provider of love, opportunity for healing, all the good things...sometimes I am in the role of receiver. Or is there really a difference, I ask myself, between giving and receiving? (No.)
One of the gifts I have received in the last couple months is the chance to do some work with a very skilled teacher of Family Constellations, Suzi Tucker. I think I heard of this ...
Even in My Snowsuit
I am forever changed.
I just returned from a Tantra retreat in Puerto Rico.
I went fully into my Divine Feminine and received. I opened.
For years now I have been what I call a "twitcher". I don't know how long, exactly; a very long time. When I am turned on- and I don't just mean by S.E.X., I twitch. It starts somewhere in my core and branches out.
My twitching has been happening more and more, progressively, over the years. From present experiences, from memories, from looking at food, from eating food, from expressing deep emotion, from hearing truth ...
I Am Not a Bitch
And neither are you.
When I really thought about it, I felt offended when a former partner used the b-word to describe me, or my behavior. (He, incidentally was questioning also whether others thought he was a bastard. So there are TWO b-words.)
You see, I'm big into authenticity and was telling myself it was just him being honest about his experience.
And then more recently I've been catching myself referring to my OWN behavior as bitchy. Hmmmm. What's up with that?!
Lately, I've been present to the true origin and meaning of the word "bitch", and I ...
How Kink Changed my Life
I'm being a little facetious here, but not really. I mean, yes, adding a dimension of kink into my life several years ago as a regular thing has most definitely improved the quality of my life. I've decided it is an essential element for me to be truly happy, like exercise, or good food. Good kink-yesssss!
And then recently, as you may know, I've been riding the waves of some heavy duty grief. I'm grieving two losses at once.
You know how people say the thing: 'how can I help', or whatever? Well, that's a very nice thing to say, right? And usually ...
I’m Messy
Last night I was so scared. I've had a couple of really big losses lately- one, an actual death, and one that just feels like the other person has died. More specifically, my brother died fairly unexpectedly in his sleep less than two weeks ago. And a relationship with a deep soulmate ended recently as well.
I don't usually have trouble being present with and allowing myself to feel my feelings. Some might say I have too LITTLE trouble with that. I'm the person that cries during television commercials, cries tears of joy frequently, and is not afraid to tell ...
My Open Heart
It hurts. Letting go of a Beloved always hurts. It really doesn't get easier with "practice" and life experience, does it? Not for me anyway.
Last week I had an ending of relationship with one of my lovers. And even though I was the one who initiated it, my heart still hurts. I am deeply saddened that this one didn't work out, and still even now getting in touch with just how badly I wanted it to...alas, when it isn't right, it isn't right.
My heart is broken open. I am wiling to feel all of my feelings and ride the waves. That part doesn't get easier; ...
Numbers Are Good- For Math
I've been thinking about how we use numbers to evaluate people a lot. And it's not a good thing.
Numbers for scores on tests. Numbers for height. Numbers on a scale. Numbers for age. And there's always a "good" number and a "bad" number, right? As if these numbers somehow mean something about our worthiness as human beings. My God/dess, there's a literal rating system for someone's attractiveness! "(S)he's a ten".
The number that REALLY got me thinking about all this is the: "What's your number?" question. I don't mean me personally. I just mean in ...