My Open Heart
It hurts. Letting go of a Beloved always hurts. It really doesn’t get easier with “practice” and life experience, does it? Not for me anyway.
Last week I had an ending of relationship with one of my lovers. And even though I was the one who initiated it, my heart still hurts. I am deeply saddened that this one didn’t work out, and still even now getting in touch with just how badly I wanted it to…alas, when it isn’t right, it isn’t right.
My heart is broken open. I am wiling to feel all of my feelings and ride the waves. That part doesn’t get easier; the waves are still painful.
What I am doing differently this time is being more open about it with friends and lovers. Talking about it. Asking for support. Sharing vulnerably my pain. Being willing to be seen in my deepest pain. Allowing in more love and support. Not going it alone, as I am so good at doing.
Last weekend I attended a workshop that was all about conscious touch. I did wonder to myself beforehand- is this really a good idea, given how raw I am already feeling? What I found out was: it was all good. Even though I was exchanging energy and touch with strangers, I was so solidly in my boundaries that I felt completely safe. I honored myself and others by doing that. And I got to learn just how far I’ve come in my ability to trust myself to keep myself safe.
The bigger benefit to me, though, was the experience after the workshop. I stood before a friend who witnessed my sadness, my tears, looking into my eyes with his hand on my heart chakra. There was nothing more I needed him to do. No words were necessary. That was such a gift. Shiva, holding space for me. So beautiful. I guess that’s all any of us ever needs when we are in pain- to know that we are not alone. To know that someone else has been there, and is there with us now.
And then another man, another “Shiva”, whom I know less well, being present with me. Sharing his words of wisdom. Exactly what I needed in that moment. I allowed myself to be so vulnerable with him. I saw and felt him witness my pain. I allowed myself to receive the love that was being freely given.
And the next day I texted my friend and told him I realized I need a “whole team of conscious men” to help me get through this one. I asked him to be on my team, and he said yes. He’s an amazing team member.
I have done the same kind of vulnerable sharing with my other partners and several friends over this past week. And they have all been there for me so solidly, so beautifully.
One of my partners made time to FaceTime with me on a day when things were very hectic for him. It was such a comfort to be able to “see” him that day, and a risk yet a blessing to allow him to see me in my most vulnerable place. Another partner has made it a point to check in on me every day. It’s the sweetest thing. I feel all of their strength and solidness, as Shiva, holding me. Ironic that Shiva shows up for me when I am grieving the loss of another embodiment of Shiva in my life. And yet not. He, Shiva, is always with me.
One of these beautiful men asked me if I was okay. And my honest answer was this: “Yes, I am okay. And, I’m grieving.” It’s another both/and, not an either/or. In this space of grief, I can be sad, angry, scared, and always okay.
I have an open heart. I suppose that’s why this is all so painful in the first place. My open heart allowed me to receive the blessings this lover bestowed upon me. My open heart allows me to grieve the loss of the dream of what it could have been. My open heart allows me to feel my deep sadness. My open heart allows me to feel the love and support of friends and lovers.
It hurts sometimes, yes, this having an open heart. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.