Last night I was so scared. I’ve had a couple of really big losses lately- one, an actual death, and one that just feels like the other person has died. More specifically, my brother died fairly unexpectedly in his sleep less than two weeks ago. And a relationship with a deep soulmate ended recently as well.
I don’t usually have trouble being present with and allowing myself to feel my feelings. Some might say I have too LITTLE trouble with that. I’m the person that cries during television commercials, cries tears of joy frequently, and is not afraid to tell you if she’s angry.
I had some initial shock and grief about my brother’s death. And then I felt a deep sense of peace come over me, and I had the thought: There’s really nothing wrong. I’ve had a deep connection with him my whole life, worked through a lot of personal issues pertaining to anger, rage, fear, and forgiveness with him, and realized all is well. He is finally free. And me, I have nothing to be sad about. We had so many good times together, and I lived my life in a state of completion with him, so that when he died and a few days had passed I honestly felt very little but gratitude and joy most of the time- mingled with some occasional sadness and tears. Got through the services unscathed. Even gave the eulogy at his funeral, was fairly composed, and felt so happy that I’d been able to honor him in that way.
Somewhere in all that my beloved had reached out to me to see if there was something more to be spoken between us. (I’d been in my grief process with that for several weeks already.) We communicated back and forth a bit. I understand now a part of me was hoping we’d have some kind of major breakthrough and get back together. Silly me. The larger part of me of course knew that wasn’t going to happen. Yet it is- still- a heartbreaking situation for me. And when our texting resulted in the decision that we would NOT meet up, I felt like I was losing him all over again….so shortly after my brother’s death.
I guess that all felt like overload to me, like too much to bear all at once. I went to a play party on Monday night as the guest of my love- Monique Darling. She was able to feel my grief almost immediately. She invited me to stop being strong and to allow myself to simply be held. I cried some. And then she asked me if I could feel where I was holding my grief. And I knew immediately it was in my heart. Yesterday I went for a healing session instead of my usual massage, and was told again that the message was: Just let go. Just let it out.
I was scared. I resisted for the rest of the day until evening. I took a 2.5 hour nap. I felt like shit. I felt downright depressed, and I’m NOT depressed. It’s my inner guidance system telling me there’s something(s) I need to feel whenever I start feeling miserable and numb like that.
And then the monkey mind started telling me things like: I’m losing my shit. My house/desk have never been this messy. I’m a total space shot. If I let myself feel all of this, I will melt, I will cease to exist, I will break apart in a million tiny pieces. I KNEW none of that was true (well except for the desk part, and the spacey part ;)); it just didn’t FEEL like it wasn’t true.
I reached out to a couple friends. Nobody answered. I posted in my Tantra group online. I ate chocolate cake. I got some support online.
And then I got brave. I cried and journaled, cried and journaled. And then one of my friends called me back. And I told her all my fears. And she held them. She held my heart and just stayed with me on the phone while I sobbed. I got REALLY messy! I had a good pile of snotty, tear-soaked tissues next to my bed. I spewed out all the things that were in my head. She said she got it, and I knew she did. She held space for me until the tears stopped, not until I stopped them.
I love when I have a huge release like that and on the other side of it is a big, clear space. My heart had broken open and now it was even bigger. I had so much clarity. I was lighthearted and chatty and laughing.
And I understood that which I already knew but had forgotten: it’s okay to be a mess sometimes. I can forgive myself for all of it. I can forgive myself for that pint of Ben and Jerry’s I ate (or 2 or 3). I can forgive myself for taking too-long naps. Of COURSE I wanted to avoid feeling all of that. It fucking hurts. A lot. I can forgive myself for having the messiest desk EVERRRRR.
Today, I am okay. I woke up feeling pretty good. I actually cut my nails during a conference call; they were frighteningly long. I cleaned the whole upstairs of my house last night. My desk is still piled high. I probably have rotting food in my refrigerator. I need a haircut so bad. I got in a really pissy mood today over something ‘small’. I’m a mess. And I’m okay. I can love myself through all of it.