So something exciting has happened in my life. I daresay, I have met someone- first time EVER, people- who meets me on all the levels I need to be met. As usual, I ordered him up from the Universe. I requested someone who meets me spiritually, emotionally, and sexually.
And voila. Thank you, God/dess.
And then something totally surprising happened next. I was on the phone with my bestie, who’s pretty damn psychic by the way, and she told me she kept getting the message that I have been polyamorous because I couldn’t find everything I wanted in one person.
Now THAT sounded downright preposterous! I got a clear knowing that I wanted to be poly eight or nine years ago. And then, slowly, I ended things with my long-time monogamous partner who wasn’t down with the new plan. After my standard eighteen months of being single, I went to two poly events and got into my first poly relationship.
I never questioned my choices. I distinctly remember waking up with my new partner the first morning after we’d spent the night together and having a very strong “wahoo!” feeling in my body. And the clear thought: this is what I’ve wanted my whole life.
When that relationship, and the package deal relationships that went along with it, ended, a bunch of my monogamous friends were asking me whether I was going back to monogamy. My answer was a big hell no. I was single because those relationships were no longer supporting my growth. I had gotten what I’d come to get. The choice to end them had nothing to do with being poly.
I carried on, after another eighteen months of single time, (I swear, I don’t plan it to always be eighteen months, it just is) in my poly adventure. Over the years, it has been an amazing, sometimes painful, always transformational journey. I don’t regret a minute of it.
AND, I suggest you sit down for this one: I am starting to wonder if what my friend said was true.
I’m not talking about any kind of strict monogamy here. I’ve just never been cut out for that. Freedom is my highest value. I imagine I will always want the freedom to do one of my favorite activities, naked cuddling, with others. And to make out with men and women when the mood strikes me. And to engage in kinky play that’s non-sexual sometimes. And to grandfather in my one partner whom I honestly get together with mainly for sex and friendship and cuddling about once a month. I’m not thinking of dumping HIM…..I know, it’s a long list. 😉
However, I am also finding myself not caring much about pursuing relationships with any new interesting characters I’m meeting along the way now. I am noticing I really do have a ‘why would I need to go looking for anything when I’ve already got it all right here?’ type of feeling. And a ‘that would take away time (potentially) that I could spend with my new Beloved’ thought. I’m a busy woman. My life is not overflowing with free time.
If choices on the mono/poly spectrum run somewhere between not hugging someone else of the opposite sex (yes, people, it exists) to full on multiple, deep relationship-relationships with multiple people simultaneously, then maybe I fall a little more in between than I was thinking I did, now. I’ve changed. I’ve made so much progress in my ability to love myself. Perhaps I have loved myself right into a relationship where I can ‘have it all’.
I don’t doubt that polyamory was a “right” path for me. Not at all. I have been confronted with my shadow in ways I couldn’t even access when I was monogamous. Hell, I’m still being confronted with it! And that is a total gift.
And maybe I’m just caught up in riding the wave of the hormonal cocktail of falling in love. My gut tells me that’s not it, though. This feels different than anything I’ve ever experienced.
The older and ‘wiser’ I get, the more I realize I don’t know.
And, I’m totally okay with being in the inquiry about it all right now…It’s a fabulous dream I’m having here on planet Earth.