Ah, Clarity

I'd been confused for so many years. I really did believe in "happily ever after"- of course, knowing that I wasn't going to get a Fairy Godmother and magic shoes. (Well, I mean, technically I could, knowing me, but...you know what I mean.) I even knew couples that were living in love, after decades of being together. I'd seen evidence. The truth was, though, I'd never seen evidence of it in my own life. I'd been in love, numerous times. I'd even had multiple, long relationships that kept going reasonably well for years. But I had never been able to get back ...

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A Sparkly Star

I came with my case of toilet paper And my case of paper towels And toddler wipes, to keep the buttocks clean, but of course not to clog the toilet with I came trying to put on the face of order And: 'It's all under control I'm organized I do things the smart way, can't you see?' And, 'You should strive to be more like me' I came as a terrified little girl 'Am I sure I'm ready for this? What if he sees through? That inside I am not so sure of myself And echoes of Mom still play in my head: You're not good enough You're not wanted here You're doing it ...

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Gotta Love Somebody

When I was married, and incidentally cheating on my husband, I got together with an old friend I hadn't seen in years.  I think I was reaching out to all my former mentors because I didn't know what the f*ck to do. I was unhappy, cheating, getting away with it, feeling shitty about myself, and looking for answers. I told him how miserable I was in my marriage.  He said: "But you're going to stay in the marriage, right?"  My face twisted up in a grimace.  I told him I wasn't so sure about that.  He asked me if I was cheating.  I said no.  I lied about my ...

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Polyamory Revisited

So something exciting has happened in my life.  I daresay, I have met someone- first time EVER, people- who meets me on all the levels I need to be met. As usual, I ordered him up from the Universe.  I requested someone who meets me spiritually, emotionally, and sexually. And voila.  Thank you, God/dess. And then something totally surprising happened next.  I was on the phone with my bestie, who's pretty damn psychic by the way, and she told me she kept getting the message that I have been polyamorous because I couldn't find everything I wanted in one person. ...

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I Am Not a Bitch

And neither are you. When I really thought about it, I felt offended when a former partner used the b-word to describe me, or my behavior.  (He, incidentally was questioning also whether others thought he was a bastard.  So there are TWO b-words.) You see, I'm big into authenticity and was telling myself it was just him being honest about his experience. And then more recently I've been catching  myself referring to my OWN behavior as bitchy.  Hmmmm.  What's up with that?! Lately, I've been present to the true origin and meaning of the word "bitch", and I ...

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I’m Messy

Last night I was so scared.  I've had a couple of really big losses lately- one, an actual death, and one that just feels like the other person has died.  More specifically, my brother died fairly unexpectedly in his sleep less than two weeks ago.  And a relationship with a deep soulmate ended recently as well. I don't usually have trouble being present with and allowing myself to feel my feelings.  Some might say I have too LITTLE trouble with that.  I'm the person that cries during television commercials, cries tears of joy frequently, and is not afraid to tell ...

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My Open Heart

It hurts.  Letting go of a Beloved always hurts.  It really doesn't get easier with "practice" and life experience, does it?  Not for me anyway. Last week I had an ending of relationship with one of my lovers.  And even though I was the one who initiated it, my heart still hurts. I am deeply saddened that this one didn't work out, and still even now getting in touch with just how badly I wanted it to...alas, when it isn't right, it isn't right. My heart is broken open.  I am wiling to feel all of my feelings and ride the waves.  That part doesn't get easier; ...

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Numbers Are Good- For Math

I've been  thinking about how we use numbers to evaluate people a lot.  And it's not a good thing. Numbers for scores on tests.  Numbers for height.  Numbers on a scale.  Numbers for age. And there's always a "good" number and a "bad" number, right? As if these numbers somehow mean something about our worthiness as human beings. My God/dess, there's a literal rating system for someone's attractiveness! "(S)he's a ten". The number that REALLY got me thinking about all this is the: "What's your number?" question.  I don't mean me personally.  I just mean in ...

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Boundaries 101

Boundaries have been coming up for me SO MUCH lately!  As I raise the bar with my own boundaries- again, defined by Brene Brown as "what's okay, what's not okay"- the next opportunity to inquire into and define my boundaries comes up. What I know about setting and keeping clear boundaries is that it is way the hell up there with top ways for us to love ourselves. The first time I heard that, it struck me as odd, or at least as a thought I'd never had before.  And, in time, I've come to realize how true that really is. I do recommend giving some thought to this ...

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On “Making Love”

I woke up this morning with this thought:  When we use the phrase "making love", what does that really mean?  In fact, it doesn't make sense to me anymore. I've always been a bit let down by the ability of that phrase to accurately reflect what it really IS.  I mean, it's useful, yes, to get the point across.  Different from fucking (or is it?). The urban dictionary gives this definition of making love: "Sexual intercourse between two people who love each other. Practiced by same sex couples or different sex couples."  Not INaccurate, yet not very inclusive either. ...

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