The “Little Things”

You know when people talk about their first year of marriage together, (or the beginning of living together) and refer to it as an “adjustment period”?   Well, frankly, I never knew what they were talking about until I moved in with my current partner.  Not that I have lived with a lot of men that I was in relationship with. It’s a very short list of two, including my ex-husband.  However, with him I either was completely out of it and didn’t notice, or just somehow escaped it completely.

Not this time, though.  There were several factors that probably contributed to it being a hard one.  I’m only going to address one aspect of our adjustment period today.  It’s something that many couples talk about and call the “little things”.   I am purposely putting them in quotation marks because when they are going on and not handled well, they can start to seem like big things at times.

Once we both got the majority (okay, some– the majority took a bit of time) of his stuff here and he got settled in a bit:

I started to notice that he leaves his cereal bowls (and ice cream bowls, and soda cans) around a lot after using them.

And he started to notice that I am even more of a neat freak than he probably had me pegged for.  🙂

I started to notice that he leaves other things out after using them, in places that they don’t belong.

And he started to notice when I get anxious about the house getting too cluttered, I put things away.  In places where he sometimes can’t find them.

He started to notice that I put a lot of clothes in the washer which results in their being too wrinkled when they come out.

And I started to notice that he has a lot a rules about laundry. 😉

He started to notice I have some quirky things going on about doors.  I like them closed when I sleep-like closet doors, bedroom doors.  I can’t even explain why.  I just say it’s the feng shui.

And I started to notice he calls that my OCD.

He started to notice I hog all the covers when I sleep.  Well, let’s just say he noticed that one even more.  He always knew it.

And I started to notice he makes a big production out of straightening out the bed before sleeping.  (I prefer to just get in the thing and sleep.)

I’m sure I could think of more.  I don’t think I need to.  I’ll bet you can all think of the “little things” in your own relationship.

One thing to be grateful for:  neither one of us has been leaving the cap off the toothpaste, mainly because there aren’t many toothpaste companies that don’t make their tubes with an attached cap these days!

So here’s what I think of the little things:  there are two ways to handle them.  1.  Try to change your partner to try to get them to do things your way. 2.  Decide that there is a way to “re-frame” this little thing so that it doesn’t bother you anymore, and do it.

I highly, highly recommend option number two over option number one!

For example, rather than make up a story in my mind that he thinks I am his slave and therefore leaves his stuff all around, I can simply decide (here’s the re-frame part) that he probably doesn’t think anything at all when he leaves his cereal bowl on the table, and that if I’m the one who’s bothered by it I can just put it in the dishwasher rather than waste my precious energy getting mad about something so little, haha.  Or, rather than try to get me to do laundry in the way that he likes it, he can just do it himself if it is bothering him.  That way no one has to be the villain, and no one has to be the victim. And, drama is avoided.  That simply.

I am quite convinced that when people get SUPER bent out of shape because of their partner’s household habits, that it is really just a cover for the thing they’re really upset about, the thing that they don’t want to be consciously thinking about or addressing.  Thankfully, I can say I don’t think my partner or I have done that one.  However, if you find yourself practically bursting a blood vessel over your partner having left the door of the toaster oven open, it may just not be about the toaster!