I Love

I have been on such an amazing journey since I made the decision to fulfill my life purpose here on the planet.  Many times over the last year and a half, I would have said amazingly horrible journey.  Today I am in a place of saying amazingly perfect.  It all came to a culmination for me last night as I was driving to my friend’s house, and sobbing all the way there.  Mostly, they were tears of joy.  With a bit of fear harmonizing in occasionally.

For the past week, the phrase “I love” keeps popping into my mind.  I had the impulse to make it my status on Facebook.  And then I didn’t do it;  I didn’t want to be one of “those people” who writes profound things as my status – there are so many profound things there, that at times, they all start to appear commonplace to me.  Now I know the real reason I didn’t post it there.  I was planning all along to post it here.

I was driving to her house to pick up my daughter who was babysitting her daughter while she was at her father’s wake.  Before I got in my car we had talked on the phone about her experience of losing both her parents.  And, yes, her experience was painful.  But it was also beautiful.  Suddenly, in that moment, in the car by myself, I got it.  I felt a bit like I was on acid, or something:  one of those moments when I felt like I understood the whole universe.  Who knows whether I really ever did understand the whole universe when I was tripping (that’s one of the great mysteries of life ;))and last night, I couldn’t have been more sure.  It all made sense to me.  Life made sense to me, maybe for the first time ever.

It’s all worth it.  All the pain we experience is worth it, if we choose to be present with it.  If we choose self-compassion through it.  If we fall more deeply in love with ourselves over it.  It has not been easy.  I have gotten off track a few thousand times.  I have felt sorry for myself.  I have felt like a victim.  I have blamed myself.  I have hated myself.  I have hated life, yelled at God, and wished I could die.  There was so much coming up for me to release as I stepped into the embodiment of my life purpose.  So much fear, so much anger, so much sadness…where was my joy?  At times I thought it was gone forever.  But what choice did I have?  I was surely not going to go with choice B (pretending I didn’t know my purpose)  or choice C (committing suicide).  I knew better.  I knew I’d just have to come back and go through all of the pain again.   So I persevered, with huge amounts of courage and huge amounts of love and support and holding from my friends.

Last night I cried because I realized I have come through the other side.  I am going to do this.  Yes, I will still have pain.  Yes, I will still have fear.  I am doing this.  I am going to get my message out to the world.  I am whole.  I love myself.  I have learned how to have compassion for myself when I feel pain, rather than change it into suffering by telling myself I’m doing life wrong.  I have learned how to let it flow.  And the result is, I am so in love with myself and all of you.  In that moment, I got it:  we are all connected.  I see all of your imperfections with loving, compassionate eyes because I see my own with those same eyes.  And I saw the utter perfection, the beauty in all of it.  Words cannot capture the joy, the gratitude I felt.  I was literally grateful for having had the experience I never thought I’d be grateful for having.  I got that the reason I was able to feel that level of joy, that level of knowing, was precisely because I had felt that level of pain.  And, it was all worth it.  

Source knows what It’s doing after all.  We are all one.  We all know what we are doing.  We are all madly in love with ourselves and with each other.  We don’t always feel it.  I felt the truth of that last night, and it was awesome.