Why are we Shaming Our Children?
I have been thinking about how we raise our children in terms of the messages we send about sexuality. For example, when I was growing up, one would have thought that sex didn’t exist. I honestly don’t believe I ever heard either of my parents say the word “sex” or even acknowledge that sex existed. Thank Goddess, one of my friends told me (accurately) all about it when I was in fourth grade, or I would have had to wait until the public education day for the official school sex talk.
I did a little better with my own kid. One day when she was about three, she was getting ready for a bath and she touched her clitoris and asked: “What is this?” I am proud to say, I told her the truth: “That’s your clitoris”. She responded by saying: “I like this.” And I validated by saying: “I know, honey.” 🙂
But seriously, now I think back and ask myself: why was it that at three years old, she did not already know what her clitoris was? We had already gone through the whole game of teaching her the name of every other body part when she was one or two and then quizzing her to see if she remembered them. Conspicuously, we had left out her genitals. But she caught us on that one. She asked.
When she was seven, there was an older kid that told her all about sex, again accurately. She checked the story out with me (a sign that she did not get the message that it was bad to talk about it), then said: “And he said that’s called sex. Is that true?” I confirmed that it was. She asked some more questions at that time, which I answered. Some people might say she was too young to know that, but apparently she wasn’t, because she did know it. Think of it this way: by that age, we have already explained to our kids how all sorts of other things worked when they asked, why would sex be any different?
Another way that parents give the erroneous message that sex is bad or shameful is by trying to stop their kids from enjoying their own bodies. Even when the kids are still infants, many parents will pull the baby’s hand away when it naturally goes to it’s genitals. Infants and children do things with their bodies when it feels good. Some kids like to rock. They may stroke other areas of their bodies simply because it feels good. But allowing kids to touch their own genitals is where most parents draw the line.
Clearly something that is left out, not discussed, and discouraged must be bad, right? That’s the message that our kids receive. Is that the message that we want to give children, that sex is wrong and bad and sinful? It’s certainly not the message that I want to give
What about you? What messages did you receive about sexuality growing up? How do you think that affected your attitudes toward your own sexuality? What messages do you think you have been (verbally or non-verbally) giving to your own kids? What messages do you consciously choose to give your kids about sex? What is one step you are willing to commit to toward creating that?
Chris Graham
April 21, 2012 (1:51 am)
I remember the book Joy of Sex being openly displayed on a coffee table before I was ten but hearing from my dad years later that my mom was a prude and never enjoying sex. Do not remember them ever being affectionate.
Maria Merloni
April 21, 2012 (4:15 pm)
Hmmm, some interesting contradictions there…good for them for at least having the book there, that way you didn’t have to sneak into their room to read it when they weren’t around :)!
Claudia Moriel
April 23, 2012 (3:31 pm)
These are all very interesting points Maria and things I have been thinking about a lot lately as I prepare to have kids.
My family is Mexican with a strong Catholic back ground. Need I say more LOL and my Grandmother had a horrible first marriage with physical and sexual abuse.
I think back and the Virginia Slims commercial
‘You’ve come a long way baby’.
I have come from shame and hurt and mistrust in men and sexuality to freedom and exploration and enjoying my sexuality. I am comfortable with who I am and what I want.
I hope to be able to share that with my children when I have them. I hope to allow for explorative conversation about sexuality like you have shared.
Maria Merloni
April 24, 2012 (9:45 pm)
It is great to hear that someone who hasn’t even become a mother yet is already thinking progressively about how to handle these situations. (especially when I hear that you, like I, came from a very conservative background!) Thanks for reading and playing here with me!
Mayang
April 25, 2012 (12:48 am)
I can relate, Claudia. I, too, come from a very strong Catholic background. Although I’ve come a long way with my perception about sexuality, I sometimes cringe when my children are watching a sex scene in a movie with me. There is that thought that always pops up “should my 11 and 12 year old be watching this movie with me.”
Maria Merloni
April 25, 2012 (1:13 pm)
I think it is ingrained in us to do that wondering if it is appropriate for our young children to see those sex scenes, But when you go to that quiet place inside, the place of your deep inner knowing, what does it say about that? I have always been ok with my daughter seeing sex in the media, much more so than with her seeing violence….
Mayang
April 26, 2012 (1:48 am)
I definitely will always choose a sex scene over a violent scene. Sex scenes turn me on while I am always turned off by violence.
Wendy
April 24, 2012 (1:30 am)
My daughter is seven years old and knows quite a bit about sex and the male and female bodies. Whenever she has asked me a question about it I answer her truthfully. I also openly talk about sex with my 17 year old son, of course we don’t get in to the details of our sex lives but it is an open subject in my house. I do not want my children to have the stigmata that sex is bad and shameful.
Maria Merloni
April 24, 2012 (9:47 pm)
That’s great. I do also draw the line with sharing about my personal sex life with my kid. But she is free to ask/tell anything she wants. Good to see you are helping raise the next generation not to be so sexually repressed!