What TO Do

The bright spot right in the middle of this past winter, for my primary relationship, was the vacation we took to Costa Rica. We had planned it months before, when things were going well for us, not knowing how badly we would need that time together when it came.  We had gotten so distant from each other prior to the vacation.  Ironically, we had moved in together, so we were in closer in physical proximity;  emotionally, though, there was a growing chasm between us as our conflicts built up and were not being resolved.

We got away.  To bright, hot, Costa Rica.  Far away from the ongoing construction going on in the house.  Far away from the house where things had started to go awry.   Away from the stress of work, kids, family.  Away from the cold and the snow.

It took some time for us to get away from what felt like the problems that came right along with us.  (You know what they say:  ‘wherever you go, there you are’.)  At first we were still not having much sex, and there was not much connection going on.  I noticed that every time there was an opportunity for intimacy (and I don’t necessarily mean S.E.X.), my partner was on his cell phone.  Like, at meals and when we got into bed at night.  Unconsciously, I believe it was a way for him to avoid potential conflict- plus, he was a little obsessed with showing all his Facebook friends the awesome vacation we were on.  😉  So I made a request that he be more present on our vacation.

Coincidentally enough, one of our mutual Facebook friends that same day wrote to him and suggested he be on vacation rather than on Facebook.  He asked me if I had complained to  her about him and I was able to honestly say no; I hadn’t communicated with a soul from home since we’d arrived.

I have to give it to him.  He made a conscious effort to be more present, and it happened.

I’m not blaming him here for the distance that was going on during the beginning of the vacation.  The way I see it, we co-created the situation just like all couples co-create whatever is happening in their relationship.  I, too, was avoiding intimacy, probably out of fear of having another argument.

And then neither us of were.  And we were really present to the beauty and the amazing natural world around us, both in the rain and cloud forests and at the shore.  And it was gorgeous.  And inspiring.

And I think we both remembered on that trip why we came together as a couple in the first place.  And how much we are deeply in love (and lust) with one another.

We still had things to face when we got home.  Vacations aren’t magic pills that solve everyone’s relationship problems.  And, it was a great relief to get a little break from all of it for a while, and to be reminded again of just how great we can be together.