Radical Thoughts of the Day

Remember the other day I recommended questioning everything?  Well, let’s question some more things.  It’s fun.

How about marriage?  Apparently, more and more people are questioning marriage.  Today, thirty percent of adults in America never marry.  That’s higher than I would have thought, how about you?  It’s the highest that number has been in sixty years.

I’m sure there are several factors involved.  Clearly, one is that cohabitation is not as taboo as it once was.  I’d be willing to bet that another reason is because the divorce rate is so high.  People are scared.  Although some argue that the divorce rate is not really 50%, in fact it is.  On average, 50% of all marriages end in divorce.  Fewer first marriages end in divorce than second marriages, and fewer second marriages end in divorce than third marriages.  I guess getting divorced is kind of like going to prison.  The more it is done, the more likely it is to happen again.

And speaking of prison, why do we say “tying the knot” when discussing marriage?  Feeling trapped is one of the reasons marriages fail.  Who has not heard the stories of those couples that lived together happily for years and years, then finally got married, only to divorce like a year later?  Why do we feel we have the right to tell our spouses what to do in this country?  Because we are married to them?  Do we secretly see them as our property?

I’m not saying all marriages are like this; and, it certainly is common for one spouse to tell another what they can and can’t do, what time to be home, or expect them to ask permission to do things.  When I was a stripper, I witnessed countless bachelor parties that were more like funerals.  The groom-to-be and his buddies were mourning the loss of the groom’s freedom.  He would never be able to do things like go to strip clubs againthey said.  For most of my dancing career, I had a boyfriend.  Unlike most dancers, I would tell the truth about it if the customers asked.   Inevitably, I’d get the response:  “I can’t believe your boyfriend lets you do this!”.   I, of course, was quick to inform them that I didn’t need a boyfriend to let me do anything at all.  And if my boyfriend did feel I needed his permission to do things, he wouldn’t be my boyfriend for very long!

I’m also not saying “let’s do away with marriage”.  If two people feel they want to spend the rest of their lives together, whether they are monogomous or polyamorous, I say go for it.  I am saying, let’s look more carefully at what we are committing to.  What does the commitment of marriage mean to you?  Does it mean you will live together and be each other’s “main squeeze” (or only squeeze 🙂 ) for the rest of your lives?  Does it mean giving up your freedom in any way?  Does it mean giving up your right to self-determination?  And once you land on what is has meant to you, is that how you want it to continue to be?  Remember, we get to make it up.  So we might as well make it something that is fun and fulfilling and really serves us.  Maybe then the divorce rate wouldn’t be so high.