“Poly” and “Slutty” Are Not Synonyms

I found myself feeling outraged recently when I realized one of the Meetup groups I was in attracted a man who assumed that, just because the group mostly focuses on polyamory, members of the group are automatically down with the idea of a sexual free-for-all.  Let me be a little more specific.   This guy has never actually shown up at the group.  He is not, in fact, polyamorous.  He “joined” the group online and then proceeded to ask me out on a date.  That is fine.  I invited him to actually show up at one of the meetings, so I could see if I may be interested in going on a date with him.  He did not.  A couple months later, he took it upon himself to post some extremely inappropriate things on the group page.  The essence of it was:  We are all adults here, so let’s not pretend.  This is what I like, sexually (very crudely stated).  Here is my phone number.

I’m sure you are all wondering how the ladies of the group were able to hold themselves back from all calling him at once ;), but that is not my point.

This is not the first time I have seen examples of individuals who assume that just because someone makes it known that they are polyamorous, for example by joining a Meetup group that deals with the topic, that person has no standards whatsoever when trying to decide when, whether and with whom to have sex.

Poly people believe in loving more than one person.  That is not the same as wanting to fuck everyone they come into contact with.  Not by a long shot.  In fact, many people who are poly are more likely to take their time entering into a new sexual relationship as there is more than just themselves to consider when making these decisions.

Nor are poly people sex addicts.  In fact, there is some evidence in the research that poly people actually have less sex than monogamous people.  A therapist that my partner once had used to joke that poly people actually have less sex than everyone else because by necessity they spend so much of their time talking.  She may not have been far from the truth!

I’m sure that there are poly people who have had a lot of sex partners. There are also monogamous people who have as well.  I’m sure there are poly people who have had sex on the first date.  There are also monogamous people who have done the same thing.

Someone’s sexual promiscuity, or “easiness”, if you will, is not a factor of whether they are polyamorous or monogamous.  People in general vary in this area.  As I like to say, there is no “right” or “wrong”.  It’s about what’s “right” for you.  It’s about what works for you.  And what works for others.  That takes the judgment and the moral tones out of it.

Being crudely approached by some guy (or some woman) who assumes I am up for whatever just because I am poly doesn’t work for me.  I would venture to say that being approached without common courtesy and respect doesn’t work for anyone, poly or not.