My New “Poly”

I have been in a deep exploration of relationship lately.

This starts with my relationship with myself, and with the Source within me, which are kind of the same.

And here’s what I’ve come to: my deepest desire is to be so connected to Who I Really Am that I am no longer conditional in my ability to give and receive love, to be in the flow of love, and to feel worthy of love.  To experience joy.  I desire to be in the flow of love no matter what.  When it’s raining.  When I have period cramps.  When the sun is shining.  When someone appears to be rejecting me. When someone is really kissing my ass- okay, this could go either way, literally and figuratively- I prefer both. 😉

I want to be so completely independent from anyone else needing to do or say anything at all (or NOT do or say whatever) that I know I am love and I am lovable regardless of any of it.

I want to keep doing what I’ve been doing for months now.  I want to make my relationship with me my #1.  And not lose myself when I am in relationship with others.  And when I say that, I define “relationship” in the broadest sense possible.

Do you know what that does?  It makes me so free.  When I practice that, suddenly I see myself becoming a relationship anarchist of sorts- with, of course, my own delicious spin on it, as with everything I do. (Don’t know what relationship anarchy is?  See definition here.)

When I practice that, which is more and more lately, I no longer feel a need to define my relationships in ways that I have before….are we “just friends”?  Are we more than friends?  Are we “dating”?  Are we fuck buddies?  Are we “in a relationship?”  Goddess, it’s all so exhausting, isn’t it?

When I practice that, I have no expectations.  I know I just saw you last night.  And I love you.  And that one time at a gathering we made out.  And that last night we didn’t.  And that we hugged.  And that when you got home, you sent me one single red heart in a text.  And that I sent you one single red heart back.  And that no words were needed.  And I know that we plan in a general sense to see each other again.

I don’t know that one of us won’t get hit by a train before we see each other again.  I don’t know that we’ll never be sexual with each other again.  I don’t know that we will.  I don’t know when or if we will text each other tomorrow, or next week, or next month.  I know that I am PLANNING to attend the same event you’re attending next month.  I don’t know that I’ll actually be there, or that you will.

When I practice that, I let go of the need to know ANY of that.

All I know is that I am love.  And that I love you.  I love a LOT of people.  And that as long as I stay connected to me, and make choices that honor me, and my boundaries- defined very simply by Brene Brown as “what’s okay, what’s not okay”, all is well.  All is more than well.

My life.  Is.  Amazing.

 


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