Have I Ever Told You This Story? When clients tell me they want to find a partner, I don’t advise that they go on dating sites. It’s simply not necessary. Here’s how I find my “person” and how being in circulation in the world is essential, but not being on dating sites.
The Moment I Stopped Searching
I wasn’t looking for a partner. The truth is I had finally come to the place in my life as a single person. I said: “If I am single for the rest of my life I will still be happy.” And I was happy!
That is the real key. Not to try.
By “trying” to find a partner, you can actually be pushing away potential partners with your (unintentional) thoughts keyed in on being single and not wanting to be single. This creates a kind of desperation sometimes which is actually repelling to people, on an unconscious level.
Getting Out Into the World
In my case, I was not sitting home all the time by myself. Yet I WAS getting out in the world doing things I was interested in.
Many years ago now, I started attending “pujas”, which are sacred tantric ceremonies involving men and women. I did it because, as you know, I am very interested in tantra. In fact, tantra was part of my life way back then, in the form of my teaching tantric workshops.
Lessons from Tantra and Pujas
Little did I know, but attending these pujas with my colleague Robyn Vogel, I would learn some of the skills necessary for being in a healthy relationship long term.
The first time I went to a puja, which were and still are offered monthly. I really enjoyed connecting with the other participants.
There was one very cute man there who said “see you next month” when we were all getting ready to leave. My response was along the lines of “Oh, I’m a very busy person. I won’t be back next month.”
Much to my surprise, I couldn’t stop thinking about the puja and in fact I did attend the following month, and the month after that, and the month after that…. for several years!
How Tantra Helped Me Find a Partner
I highly recommend these events. What I learned in them was how to do two important things:
1. Set and Hold My Boundaries
I would be sitting across from men that would want to push my boundaries in one way or another, I learned due to how unpleasant it was when I violated my own boundaries, little by little, to be honest about what I was comfortable with and not to give in to doing things that I didn’t want to be doing.
I got practice with this skill hundreds of times over the years, and now I am quite clear and comfortable in these types of situations. This is huge!
2. See the “Other” as Divine
In a puja with Robyn Vogel, I was invited to see the man sitting across from me at any given time as the human representation of “shiva”, aka God.
At first it was easy for my ego to be involved which prevented me from holding the other as true divinity. There was one guy in particular who seemed eager to be across from me, but with whom I had a lot of fear come up.
One day I was finally able to see him as shiva. And in that moment, I saw his face transform from someone I had considered to be unattractive to an actual very good looking angel! That’s the only way I can explain what I saw.
The truth is, we all really are “angels” but it’s our egos that most of the time prevent us from seeing that. What a gift that learning was for me!
The Retreat That Changed Everything
Eventually, the monthly group of regular puja-goers clamored to have a week long retreat in an exotic location, and Robyn made our dreams come true by offering her first ever retreat in Puerto Rico in 2016.
The experience was life changing. To be able to delve into my spiritual interests to the extent that I did that week was such a blessing!
And guess what? That week was when I first really connected with a man that my ego had told me I didn’t really want to connect with, to a man I was keen to date. And that man, now, is my husband.
Published date: 11/07/2025