This blog is probably not about what you think it is about. I know, a lot of people out there have judgments about “friends with benefits.” They think it never works out because really we are not “supposed” to be doing that anyway. Sex without love? That’s wrong, how could anything good ever possibly come out of it?
Well, first off, let’s handle that part. Do I think it is often times better to be in love with the person you’re sleeping with? Absolutely. Do I think it always is going to be that way? Hell, no. Do I think it is “wrong” in the eyes of God/Goddess/All That Is? Nope. I think it is simply another choice our souls may make while we’re here on the planet.
Our souls are adventurous and want to experience much diversity while we’re in a body. Friends with benefits may be one of the experiences we choose. If you should make that choice yourself, here are a few things you might want to know:
You both can call it whatever you want. The illusion that you will only be “friends” even though you’re actually having sex with each other is just that- an illusion. In truth, since we are all one, we are all part of All That Is together, we are actually, whether we know it or not, all in love with each other already. So just let go of the illusion that you will not become attached to the “friend” in question. You already are, before even meeting them.
In addition, you may have a past life or parallel life connection with the person. Chances are, you do. We have all been here so many times that the majority of times we encounter a new soul, it is not really “new” to us.
So here’s the really juicy part: In every human interaction, no matter how seemingly trivial, there is an opportunity for learning and growth. Learning and growth are why we are here. Opportunity abounds. We live in a limitless universe. We come from a limitless Source. Yes, the interaction you just had with the clerk at the convenience store has the potential to be a learning experience. So does the one with your brother, sister, or friend. And, you guessed it, so does the one with your friend with benefits.
I was recently reminded of this myself, when I created a profound learning in my relationship with a friend with benefits. I thought I was so cool. I just got out of a long term relationship, I said to myself. I can’t handle anything heavy. I know, I’ll get a friend with benefits. But, really, I should have known, could anything at this point in my life be simple and easy? That’s just not the path I’ve chosen. I’m not complaining. It’s just that I realized- my soul is an over-achiever.
It started out great. There was a strong attraction on both sides. The chemistry was phenomenal. This was not really a stranger, but someone whom I had known before, an acquaintance you could say. But then a couple weeks into it, I noticed I was starting to feel rejected by this guy. He just didn’t seem as interested as I was anymore, and it was really starting to hurt. He said he was interested, but you could have fooled me!
Eventually, after weeks of being on a roller coaster, I ended the arrangement. That’s when the learning really began. I realized that this feeling of wanting the other person so badly and coming up with lots of reasons why it must be my fault that he wasn’t interested felt familiar to me. I had been there before, with someone else. And I didn’t like it, not at all. But what was the learning? I ended up figuring it all out- why it bothered me so much, why I had created the whole situation in the first place, and what the healing opportunity was.
In my next blog, I will share the actual email I sent to my “fwb”, which will give more details. In the meantime, what do you think about friends with benefits? Do you think they can be beneficial? My answer to that is yes, absolutely. If the person is open to the learning, the opportunity is always there.
First I want to say I love your site! My thoughts is that yes it can be beneficial. I myself am at a stage in my life that all I want right now is friends with benefits. Like you my friends ( yes plural ) were just acquaintances at first. What I have found is that we all had long relationships prior and do not feel ready to be in a committed relationship yet. There is one that I feel a stronger connection to than the others but I have also know him longer and have had sex with him in the past when I had an open marriage. I agree with you Maria, there will always be some degree of attachment when you are having sex with someone other than maybe a one night stand. If you continue to go back and have sex than there must be a reason that you keep going back; besides just good sex. This is not to say that you are head over heals in love with them but I feel that there must be a connection for your souls to keep wanting to continue. One lesson that I have learned so far is that I am not the monogamous type. I have always been a very sexual person for as long as I can remember. I truly enjoy expressing my sexuality however, in today’s society it is frowned upon. We are taught that you should be monogamous and women should not have many sexual partners. Those who do are labeled. I also feel that every experience we have is a learning experience. Although sometimes it is not clear at first what we are supposed to be learning about. Everything happens for a reason, the reason is up to us to figure out.
I am looking forward to reading part 2 🙂
Hi Wendy,
Thanks for your response. I agree with all of what you said. I am hoping that part of what this site will accomplish is to diminish the taboos out there against some of these sexual behaviors such as fwb and having multiple partners. I am posting Part II right now. Hope you like it!
Maria
Hey Maria,
I guess my biggest roadblock would be my over analyzing. To move on the FWB path, I would need to surrender as you mentioned in a previous writing and just see where it goes and not be so worried that things will go wrong or someone will get hurt.
Hi Chris,
I would agree that can be a huge roadblock with most anything that’s new. As I say in my e-book, if I never did anything I was afraid to do, I’d never do anything! I think it’s about trusting ourselves to know that even if something unpleasant occurs we can be there for ourselves to create safety in any situation and decide what to do next from that vantage point.
Thanks for reading, and writing!
Maria
I think it also helps to have a partner that loves you so much that they let you explore your thoughts and feelings and to move at your own pace.
I agree, if you’re talking about the process of opening up a relationship, it is actually essential to be able to talk about both of your thoughts and feelings and to take it slow. Otherwise, it will never work.
I have had several FWB relationships over the years, with varying degrees of ‘success’….Some of them have been exactly what you might hope – fun, explosive sex with someone I truly liked and enjoyed being with, but was not ‘in love’ with. Others started off as a potential relationship, but devolved into FWB territory when it became obvious that a true love connection was not taking place. Unfortunately, the FWB situation I find myself in now is mostly unfulfilling, because my sexual attraction to my ‘friend’ has dwindled considerably, and it now feels almost like a chore to get together with her. Because I have no other sexual outlet at the moment, I find myself continuing to get together with this person, which is probably not fair to either of us. To answer your question, I do think that FWB situations can be very beneficial, but as with any relationship, there is a wide spectrum of possibilities and levels of effectiveness. The factor of one or the other friend developing deeper attachment is one to be carefully considered, as well – the last thing you want in a ‘no-strings’ arrangement is for it to cause someone pain or unhappiness – kinda’ defeats the purpose, I’d say! As with all interpersonal relationships, communication is key, and if either party is becoming more emotionally invested, it is incumbent on them to be honest about it with the other.
I agree wholeheartedly about the fact that communication is key! And also had the thought that if you were to let go of this FWB relationship that you’re no longer enjoying as much, it would open space for something else to come in. That’s what I have found in my life, anyway!