Drama Triangle Games and How to Avoid Them

Today I want to talk about what I affectionately call “The Triangle”, this is the place where all drama occurs in relationships.  I first learned about this at The Hendricks Institute, where I went to school for life coaching, and have found it a useful tool ever since.

For a quick lesson, there are three spaces (thus, the triangle); Victim, Villain, and Hero.  The Victim says: ‘Poor me’, the Hero says: ‘Poor you’, and the Villain says: ‘F*** you’.  That’s the short form.  There is another option.  That’s cutting the drama out of your life, and it’s much more fun.  In fact, The Triangle is hardly fun at all.  You get a hit of adrenaline, which goes away really fast and is bad for your body.  So, if you’d rather create good feelings instead, below are a list of some of the common drama games people play and how to ‘just say no’ to them:

1.  Do as I Do.  Ok, this is the one where your partner (playing the Victim) tries to lay a guilt trip on you for not reciprocating something that she/he has done for you.  For instance, (in a whining voice), (s)he may say: ‘I ALWAYS do _______ but you NEVER do’ (insinuating that you are the Villain).  As if there’s some kind of universal law that says we must all keep score in our relationships!  Here’s the enlightened version of giving and receiving in relationships: You freely give when and what you feel inspired to, and your partner does the same.

2.  Oh Yeah, Well I Have it Worse!  This is a very popular one.  It’s been said that most arguments are a race for the Victim position.  So, it goes like this: one of you complains about something, (whining and complaining are the hallmarks of victimhood) and rather than offer empathy the other says something like:’Well how do you think I feel?  I have to ________.’  Here’s the alternative: you both realize that any complaining either of you does is almost like a prayer for more of the thing that you don’t like, and mark whining and complaining off your to do list. Instead, focus on the things you like and appreciate in your life and relationship, thereby creating more of the good stuff.  Now that IS universal law, like attracts like.

3.  It’s All Your Fault.  Sometimes one or the other of you gets in a period of your life that you don’t like.  Maybe she is at home with the baby all day (seeing herself as the Victim) and somehow in her twisted little mind thinks that you are to blame for it (you- Villain).  She resents all the “fun” you are having being out of the house all day interacting with other adults while you work.  You sense her irritation with you and in an unspoken agreement to create drama together you either take on the role of her Hero (‘Oh, honey, you poor thing…’) or Villain (‘I’m out working all day and all you do is complain, you spoiled little brat.’).  Here’s the better choice: you each decide to take 100% responsibility for how you are creating your own lives, and support each other in making them as good as possible.

4.  You Don’t do Things to Make me Happy.  Similar to the last one, but with a more pronounced Victim flair.  ( I will use the feminine pronoun here, but it could go either way.)  She sees you as her knight in shining armor.  You KNOW she likes it when you bring her flowers and chocolates and jewelry, why aren’t you DOING it?!  This is total bullshit!  She expects you to be her Hero.  She was unhappy before she met you, then she fell in love and felt better, now she expects you to be the source of her happiness.  Backwards.  The conscious approach to relationship is that both partners take responsibility for their own happiness.  How can you each feel good about yourselves, and have meaningful relationships in addition to the one with each other?  For some, accomplishing this will take help from a professional, a life coach or therapist.

That’s it for now, some food for thought.  Any of them sound familiar?  I have a feeling there are hundreds of these- I’m just making them up off the top of my head as I go along.  Maybe next week I will think of some more!