You’re Welcome
By now you've all heard the common self-love building technique of saying "thank you" (rather than deflecting) when someone gives you a compliment, right? Well, although I do recommend following that advice, this blog is about remembering to say "you're welcome".
Have you noticed that many times when someone thanks you for something, anything, you don't actually say "you're welcome"? I have. Maybe it's gone out of style or something. Someone texts me a paragraph, and within it are the words "thank you". I respond to the text, but ignore the thanks. Another possible response is "think nothing of it" or "it was nothing". Really? Doesn't that invalidate both the person who is expressing gratitude, and yourself for having done a good deed? I used to have a friend that said "think everything of it." At least that was funny. Sometimes I just say "no problem". Well, that is an acknowledgement that the person has thanked me, at least....
There’s no Place Like Home
I know I haven't mentioned this in a while....grief takes time. Yes, there are exciting wonderful new things happening in my life (not with a new romantic interest- too soon) and I am still in my grief process.
"Bargaining" is the second to last stage in the process. Don't let that phrase 'second to last' fool you. It's not a linear process. Things go 'round and 'round until they're done. And there's no way of predicting when that will be.
So, I was there in the bargaining phase not too long ago. And at the end of it, I realized there needed to be a period of absolutely no contact between me and my former partner. I was sad; I had some tears streaming down my face at that moment of realization. And then I pushed my sadness down. Rationalized that I'd already felt it to completion, that there couldn't really be much there since I'd already come so far in my grief process. (That's correct, you are not the only one who lies to yourself occasionally to "protect" yourself from pain.)...
What’s it Gonna be (Boy), Yes or No?
Hope you liked my Meatloaf reference (above). Surprise! This blog is not really about music. (You probably knew that, huh?) ;)
It is about checking in with yourself about your "yes's" and "no's". This is a really good way to be honoring of yourself, and to make sound decisions, all at the same time. ...
Mirror, Mirror
You may have heard the saying: "other people are your mirror"? What that means to me is, other people have a gift for us, even when we may not at first perceive it as such. Other people in our lives are mirroring to us something about ourselves. It can be a hard fact to accept. It seems much easier to simply blame, criticize, and judge. Or that has certainly been the popular way, anyhow. It is not simply that our partner, for example, has an issue, and if it causes problems in the relationship, it is their fault. It is never anyone's fault. Both people co-create every situation, in every relationship, not just romantic ones- for a reason. For both of their highest good, growth, and learning, should we choose to take the opportunity.
For example, there is someone in my life (not naming names here) who has been on a destructive path with alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes, destroying his emotional and physical health. ...
Between Dramatization and Minimization
That's exactly where I want to be with this grieving process.
I started out in the drama zone. I didn't think I was being dramatic, and I was. What I learned is this: because I have literal conscious memories of some of my most horrific past lives, when I was doing my grieving about this relationship, I was connecting in to the energy of those lifetimes. The result? I was depressed, in despair, and completely unmotivated. (If you've ever had a period in your life when you had to force yourself to do absolutely everything, including getting out of bed, you know- it is not fun!) Mind you, this was an unconscious process. I wasn't saying to myself: "Gee, I think I'll connect with all of my past lives in which betrayal and abandonment issues came up for me, so I can feel really miserable." However, whether conscious or unconscious, the result was still the same.
With the help of my non-physical friends, I came up with a new way to do my grieving, which I believe can work for any type of grief you or I may encounter in life. And here are the steps:...
In The End….
...we didn't make it. Yes, my first official polyamorous relationship is over. :( I can hardly believe it myself. I'm not gonna lie. It sucks. I don't even like talking about it. But I feel I owe it to all of you, those who have been loyally (and not-so-loyally-even) reading my blogs about it since it began almost two years ago now.
It has been just over two years since we first met, and just under two years since we started dating.
The last several months were kind of like when a person is dying, and then the person somehow rallies, and you start to believe they're going to live......
It Takes Two, Baby
Whenever there is a conflict in a relationship, you can be sure it is not one person's "fault". There is simply no such thing.
You see, we all have unresolved issues from the past, whether they be from past lives or this current lifetime. I don't think all the work ever gets done. (Well, there's one exception, you are temporarily done when you die. Thus the good old expression: "When you're done, you're dead.") I'm sorry if I'm the bearer of bad news. We are here on earth to learn and grow. If everything were perfect all the time, how could we keep learning and growing?
Working out these past "traumas", if you will, is the purpose of relationship. Only our beloveds can push our buttons in just the right way so that what comes up are the most painful core wounds we have. Only our beloveds have the power to give us so much joy at times, and to be be part of so much agony at others. Sound familiar? :)...
You Own You
This keeps coming up for me: couples that try to put restrictions on each other, to control each other. Probably because I am such a free spirit myself :) it has always irked me when I hear about this. For example, years ago, when I was still working for a human service agency, I used to have a group of female colleagues I'd go out with sometimes. One time we though it would be fun to have an adult "pajama party" at one of our houses. One of the women in our group said she couldn't go because her husband had a 1 a.m. curfew for her. Whaaaaat?!...
The Major Miracle
Last week, in a blog called "Abandonment Issues + Polyamory = Disaster", I ended with saying that my primary relationship was in need of a major miracle if it were going to be saved. One day, out of total desperation, I decided I needed to see a therapist again. I was sick of being miserable and unstable, and was determined to do something about it. At around the same time all this was going on in my relationship, a local therapist I'd known about but never met personally kept coming onto my radar. When things like this happen, I don't chalk them up to coincidence. I concluded that I needed to see her. I didn't even know exactly what she did or why I needed to see her. I just followed my intuition and made an appointment with her.
I soon found out why. ...