There’s no Place Like Home

I know I haven’t mentioned this in a while….grief takes time.  Yes, there are exciting wonderful new things happening in my life (not with a new romantic interest- too soon) and I am still in my grief process.

“Bargaining” is the second to last stage in the process.  Don’t let that phrase ‘second to last’ fool you.  It’s not a linear process.  Things go ’round and ’round until they’re done.  And there’s no way of predicting when that will be.

So, I was there in the bargaining phase not too long ago.  And at the end of it, I realized there needed to be a period of absolutely no contact between me and my former partner.  I was sad; I had some tears streaming down my face at that moment of realization.  And then I pushed my sadness down.  Rationalized that I’d already felt it to completion, that there couldn’t really be much there since I’d already come so far in my grief process.  (That’s correct, you are not the only one who lies to yourself occasionally to “protect” yourself from pain.)

And that emotional pain didn’t go away.  Funny thing about that.  😉  I again rationalized other reasons why I might be feeling a little off.  And then came the day, four days later, when I was absolutely miserable.  Actually felt really depressed.  And here’s the thing:  I’m not depressed, in the clinical sense.  My sleep is good, my energy is good, my appetite is good (but not too good), all is well with me in general. I used to tell my clients that depression was not “feeling sad”, it was “not feeling”.  That’s not the whole story about depression, and in this case it applies.  I was refusing to feel my grief and eventually, four days later, it resulted in my feeling depressed.  I used to have a therapist who coined the term “seeing the world through shit-colored glasses” in honor of me.  And last week, I was doin’ it!  I was trying to meditate so I could get some work done on my new, upcoming website.  And I couldn’t focus because the tears were already flowing.  Kind of hard to pretend I wasn’t feeling stuff at that point!

I went upstairs, and got out my journal.  I realized that what I was sad about was that I did not have a relationship with my beloved (he’s still my beloved, even if we are not together) in any capacity.  And not just that.  I was facing the fact that truly I didn’t know if I ever would.  Not because we hate each other or were arguing about stuff.  It was more that having contact was just too painful.  I did what I usually do.  I wrote, I cried, I blew my nose loudly, more hysterical sobbing, more writing.  Only this time, I wasn’t getting the desired result:  feeling better.  I asked God/Goddess for help.  I asked for every kind of non-physical help I knew how to ask for.  An hour and a half went by.  Still no sign of stopping.

Towards the end, the help was coming but I didn’t consciously acknowledge it.  I had this thought in the back of my mind…’just be with him’.  I knew that meant energetically, and not physically.  I think I had resistance to it for so long because I was afraid it would hurt more.  And then I did it.  I quieted myself, closed my eyes, and connected with his essence.  I felt him.  We were together in that moment.  He was in my heart.  And guess what?  It was not too painful.  In fact, it was beautiful.  Then I relived some of my fondest memories with him.  I saw myself giving him Reiki.  I saw his sparkling blue eyes above me as we made love.  These were not just fantasies I was having.  Due to the nature of time and space (and the reality that time is an illusion) plus my intention, I was with him.  We were energetically engaged with each other in those moments.  And suddenly I was seeing the world through rose-colored glasses.  My heart was wide open and I was filled with joy, no longer missing him because, in fact, I carry him with me all the time.  I felt like Dorothy at the end of “The Wizard of Oz” (my favorite movie).  I’m sorry if this sounds ridiculously sappy, and it’s true.  It really happened.

So that was pretty fucking cool.  The next day I taught one of my clients, who was missing some deceased loved ones at Christmastime, how to do it, and she experienced it in the same amazing way that I had.  If you’re brave enough, you can try it too.

Nice thing to be able to do…be with anyone, anytime, anywhere.  I’m having the thought it’s another facet of Synergistic Energy Exchange…what do you think?