Abondonment Issues + Polyamory = Disaster
As you may (or may not, if you haven't been keeping up) remember, my primary partner and I moved in together the last day of 2013. We were faced with many challenges, and I believe were both internally freaking out about how poorly things were going. We didn't talk about it at that time, though. And then we took a great vacation together. I am glad we went on it, very glad, and- it was a temporary fix. Soon after we returned to the day to day stress of our lives and relationship, we got right back into the sh*t again.
I was realizing more and more that the strife I was experiencing over the other partners my primary partner had was only sometimes created by his breaking of agreements and being inconsiderate. The majority of the time, I had to finally admit, I was freaking out because I had abandonment issues. And yes, there were some insecurities I was dealing with too. In the end, though, when I boiled it all down, the abandonment issues- or, fear of losing my partner- were the biggest thing causing emotional upset before and after my partner's dates with others....
What TO Do
The bright spot right in the middle of this past winter, for my primary relationship, was the vacation we took to Costa Rica. We had planned it months before, when things were going well for us, not knowing how badly we would need that time together when it came. We had gotten so distant from each other prior to the vacation. Ironically, we had moved in together, so we were in closer in physical proximity; emotionally, though, there was a growing chasm between us as our conflicts built up and were not being resolved.
We got away. To bright, hot, Costa Rica. Far away from the ongoing construction going on in the house. Far away from the house where things had started to go awry. Away from the stress of work, kids, family. Away from the cold and the snow....
What Not to Do
The next several months of my journey with my primary partner are kind of a blur. I don't even know where to begin. It was not a pleasant time, in my memory, and I'd be willing to bet he feels the same way. Of course, I'm not saying it was all bad. We still had moments of great connection and joy; however, those were more interspersed with the dominant feelings of angst of one type or another. Prior to that, in our relationship, the balance was the opposite: it was mostly fun, joy, and closeness interspersed with a sprinkling of angst.
So, here's a good description of what not to do when moving in together:...
“Kissing Break!”
We interrupt this program to have a kissing break....
More accurately, I interrupt these blogs about the history of my primary relationship to tell you about what we call kissing breaks.
Similar to naked cuddling, this is something I suggest that all couples do. Now, obviously (hopefully), you are already kissing daily, or as often as you see each other. And let me be clear- I do not mean those kisses on the forehead or pecks on the cheeks or lips. I mean those deep, full-presence, kisses that leave you woozy. ...
The “Little Things”
You know when people talk about their first year of marriage together, (or the beginning of living together) and refer to it as an "adjustment period"? Well, frankly, I never knew what they were talking about until I moved in with my current partner. Not that I have lived with a lot of men that I was in relationship with. It's a very short list of two, including my ex-husband. However, with him I either was completely out of it and didn't notice, or just somehow escaped it completely.
Not this time, though. There were several factors that probably contributed to it being a hard one. I'm only going to address one aspect of our adjustment period today. It's something that many couples talk about and call the "little things". I am purposely putting them in quotation marks because when they are going on and not handled well, they can start to seem like big things at times....
Trapped in the Car…
So, as promised, I am continuing today with "the rest of the story", aka what happened after my boyfriend and I decided to move in together. It was the end of 2013, and as I was still in my coaching program (My Sacred Yes) at the time, I had just gotten some "homework" from my Council (group of non-physical friends who wanted to sit in on the session and help guide me) during channeling. And, my partner and I were "trapped in the car" together for an extended period of time, so I figured it was a good time to try out this homework......
The REST of the Story
Before you start thinking that I am Paul Harvey (probably no chance of that, huh?), allow me to explain. You may have noticed, I was telling a story for a little over a year. It was the story of my life as a polyamorous person, in a poly relationship for the first official time. And then at the end of last year, my partner moved in with me. And, then I pretty much stopped writing about our relationship. You may have been wondering why. ...
“Poly” and “Slutty” Are Not Synonyms
I found myself feeling outraged recently when I realized one of the Meetup groups I was in attracted a man who assumed that, just because the group mostly focuses on polyamory, members of the group are automatically down with the idea of a sexual free-for-all. Let me be a little more specific. This guy has never actually shown up at the group. He is not, in fact, polyamorous. He "joined" the group online and then proceeded to ask me out on a date. That is fine. I invited him to actually show up at one of the meetings, so I could see if I may be interested in going on a date with him. He did not. A couple months later, he took it upon himself to post some extremely inappropriate things on the group page. The essence of it was: We are all adults here, so let's not pretend. This is what I like, sexually (very crudely stated). Here is my phone number....
The Love Lie
I want to address a topic that has been floating around in my head for years. It is this idea that if we "love" someone, then that is it. It means we are to marry that person and then stay- happily ever after- with them for the rest of our lives. And we ask each other about it as if it were some magical thing: "Well, do you love her? Do you love him? " As if that would settle everything.
This idea is fed to us from the time we are toddlers watching Disney movies. We are told it in our churches and synagogues. We hear all sorts of versions of this message in our media. Heck, even our government here in America promotes it- if we are good boys and girls and are married, we will get a tax break. :P...
We Are “Those People”
The other night my partner and I decided to get dressed up and go out to dinner. There was a new restaurant we wanted to check out. We were seated in a lovely area at a table for four, with two seats on a bench and two at chairs across from the bench. At first, I sat in one of the chairs, knowing that my partner (like most men) likes his back against the wall, so he can keep an eye on everything from there. Soon after, I decided to join him on the bench. We will often sit this way when we go out to dinner, so that we can touch and kiss each (not make out) throughout the meal....