My teacher in life coaching school, Kathlyn Hendricks, used to say “adults don’t have to explain themselves.” I think it was some good advice. And, I’d add that there are exceptions.
In this case, I haven’t reached out to all of you for about two and a half years. I want to share that during that time, both my husband and I experienced some devastating events, in both cases regarding our children. We are okay. And I made a decision not to continue writing my emails. I could have pushed through in a masculine energy sort of way and done that; yet I knew that what I really needed was some down time, so I chose the feminine way instead — a form of self-care and emotional healing.
Also over this time period, we’ve done a lot of traveling, which has been therapeutic. A couple of years ago, I spent a month in Bali. We thought it sounded fun to do a fishing charter in a remote area of Bali. And then my husband got sick from the water there, and I found myself waking up at 4:30 am alone to meet a man who didn’t speak a lick of English to go out on a private fishing charter. Using the word charter is a little misleading, actually. It was more like a traditional outrigger canoe that this complete stranger was paddling while he stood in the boat in his bare feet, in the dark of the wee hours of the morning.
I was a bit nervous going out to sea as a woman alone with a man I didn’t know, in another country. And more than a little disappointed that I was alone. We got in the boat and he started paddling. And paddling. And paddling… Slowly the sun came up, and that was a beautiful moment. However, it wasn’t enough to shift my crabby mood. While more than 90 minutes had gone by in silence and I wondered when we’d ever get to our fishing destination, my mood grew darker.
Then, as it so often does during times like this, my mind started to go to the past. And I got stuck on my lack of self-forgiveness for an infidelity I had committed during my first marriage. All of a sudden, I realized I was sick of my own drama over the whole thing.
You may have heard me talk about drama before. It’s when there’s a victim, villain, and hero. And the sign that we’re in drama is that we’re miserable. I certainly was, and I was tired of becoming my own villain and telling myself what a terrible person I was for having done that. I decided in that moment to just do it — to forgive myself.
With tears running down my face, I said out loud, “Maria Merloni, I forgive you.” And the moment I put those words out there, my Balinese guide stopped paddling and indicated that we had reached the fishing spot.
To me, it was a great example of how sometimes in life, when things aren’t going the way we’d planned, there’s a hidden blessing to be revealed. If I hadn’t gotten so bored being on that fishing trip alone, I’d not have gotten to this moment of healing and personal growth that day.
I caught zero fish and it started raining on the way home. And just as I was starting to feel sorry for myself again, a gorgeous rainbow came out. Thanks again, Universe. Always keeping me on my toes.
Is there something in your past that you’re still shaming yourself about? There’s nothing like a hopeless fishing trip in Bali to sort things out. Or maybe you don’t have to go to that extent. Maybe today is the day you choose to forgive yourself for whatever that thing is. You deserve it.