What Polyamory is Not

One of my main passions in life lately has been polyamory- not just because I am newly in a polyamorous relationship (although I am passionate about that :)), also because I am just absolutely fascinated with learning about all aspects of it.  Learning about polyamory from the perspective of being in a polyamorous relationship is quite different than learning about it before being in one.  For me, it is similar to when I thought I knew what to expect about having a child, simply because I had spent a lot of time with my nieces and nephews.  Ha!

I’ve realized at a deeper level that it is not:

1.  The “easy way out”.  It is now absolutely hilarious to me that anyone would think polyamory is the easy way out!  There are so many things to deal with that either don’t exist or aren’t as intense in monogamy.  Safe sex takes on a whole new meaning.  So does coordination of schedules.  And jealousy.  And introspection.  A need for being conscious.  Figuring out sleeping arrangements.  And these are just to name a few.  I could and probably will write a blog or two about each of those.  For now, I’m just touching on each one.

2.  A sign of immaturity.  Maturity level and polyamory have nothing to do with each other.  Except for the fact that if you want to be polyamorous, you’d better be pretty darn mature, or it does not bode well for your success in that lifestyle.  Immature people in all type of relationships are going to have problems.  Immature people are not trying to “have their cake and eat it too”  by choosing polyamory.  Anyone who’s been poly for more that a minute already knows that #1, above, is absolutely true.

3.  All about sex.  In fact, I have heard it said that people in polyamorous relationships do more talking than having sex.  While this is intended to be somewhat of a joke (I hope), sometimes it could be a toss-up!

4.  For those with poor boundaries.  It has been important to me to be aware of what does and doesn’t feel okay to me, and to be able to communicate that effectively.  Also, my partner is affected by his other relationships relative to polyamory.  If he is in a funk about something that happened in those other relationships, it is essential that I am not so enmeshed with him that I take on his feelings.

5.  For the insecure.  Let’s face it, everyone is insecure to a point.  I don’t care how much work someone has done on themselves, how much self love they have created- one thing I’ve learned is that our “issues” never totally go away.  I’m sorry to say- we do not ARRIVE.  So, right off the bat, there will be at least a smidge of jealousy that comes up from time to time.  Jealousy is fear of losing your partner.  And people have fear of losing their partner due to insecurity.  AND, it’s okay.  Except if you tend to be a person that’s prone to insecurity and therefore jealousy.  Polyamory will be torture for those people.  And really, if you’re into self-torture, and you’re the jealous type, just go with monogamy.  No need to be an over-achiever!

Lest you think that all of this means I am not so sure anymore about polyamory, let me assure you, I have never for a moment doubted that, for me, the payoff in the amount of joy, love, and freedom to be myself is totally worth it!!

 

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