A Riddle for You
What do the Tooth Fairy and friends with benefits have in common? They are both make-believe. Yes, I have come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as friends with benefits. Oh yeah, we can delude ourselves into thinking that we can be “friends” with someone, have sex with them occasionally, and not develop feelings for that person, but in reality, how often does that really happen?
You may be thinking you have pulled it off. And maybe you have. But I am convinced that the great majority of the time, one or both of y0u will get attached to the other person. Maybe you weren’t attached, but the other person was. Maybe you didn’t even know that the other person was because he or she did such a great job of not showing their vulnerability. Maybe you were attached, and you didn’t even have any awareness of it yourself. Or you knew it deep down inside, but never dared to admit it, even to yourself.
Think about it in terms of what I have said in the past about Synergistic Energy Exchange. When you have sex with that other person, you have S.E.X. with that other person. You are literally exchanging energy with that other person. Connection is inevitable. So it makes sense, in that respect, that there is no getting around it.
Swingers already know this. That’s why some of them have a policy that they will only hook up with another couple once, and then they move on. They are consciously choosing not to get attached.
So, what? What is the point of all this? Is it that no one should ever attempt to be friends with benefits? It is not up to me to say what others should or shouldn’t do.
I guess the point is awareness. That we all be aware of what we are choosing. The heart is not really safe when it gets involved with another person. The idea that friends with benefits means the heart won’t be affected is an illusion. There is always a risk that you will get hurt, or that you will inadvertently hurt another person. And that in itself is painful.
Many times in the past I have been known to say that I don’t care. That having an open heart and feeling pain at times is how I choose to live, rather than the alternative, which is the half-living option of having a closed heart. And I do stand by that.
But only the person making the choice to get involved, whether it be friends with benefits, or getting into a new relationship, can say when it’s the right time for them. Ask yourself the question, is this a time in my life when I want to open my heart, to make myself vulnerable? There’s nothing wrong with saying no. Maybe you just got out of a relationship, haven’t even grieved the loss yet, or have some other major emotional event going on in your life.
I invite you to share your own experiences of having friends with benefits. (Remember that you can share anonymously by making up an email address just to blog with us here; I know some of you are shy!) Have you been glad you did it, or regretted it? Did you learn anything from the experience? Would you do it again?