Choosing “The Path Less Traveled”
Last week I blogged about whether you might be a “polymamorist”. Others choose what’s known as “swinging” over polyamory, which is having more than one sexual partner, without the relationship/love component.
If you’ve been thinking about either option in your partnership, you should know that opening up a relationship that has been “closed” is a complicated task. You don’t just talk about it once, say “well, glad that’s done”, and be on your merry way to multi-partnered bliss. No, it’s more like having that talk about sex with your child or children. You do it, and then he/she grows, and then you talk about it again and…
I do have a great book to recommend on the topic of polyamory, by the way. It’s called The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. In it, they talk about the fact that being an ethical slut, which I do recommend over being an unethical slut (ha ha), includes being sensitive about whether or not you are hurting anyone or yourself with your choices, and evaluating and minimizing any risks involved.
A number of questions come up once you broach the subject of opening up a relationship:
* First of all, are both partners really in agreement about this, or is one partner simply going
along with it in order to avoid potentially avoid losing the partner who wants it? If the latter is the case, are there some milder versions of an open relationship that the less enthusiastic partner really does want also?
*Express to each other why it is something that you do or don’t want to choose.
*If both partners really are in agreement, are you aiming to have a true polyamorous relationship or simply an open one? In other words, do you have the intention of each loving more than one person, or simply of each having sexual experiences with more than one person (which would be swinging)?
*Depending on what your answer above is, will you agree to be alone with other partners, or will all sexual activities take place while in the same room with each other? Some say that it increases their trust to keep it in the same room, others say they have no desire to see their partner with someone else, although knowing that they are with someone else feels okay to them.
*If you decide things will take place in the same room, how will that work? Will you simply bring in another couple and swap partners, or will you both be sexually involved with whomever is there?
*How far will you go with the other people in your lives? Are there limits on that, or do you both agree to go as far as intercourse if you want? Some couples, for example, choose to reserve certain sexual behaviors only for each other.
*How will you protect yourselves from sexually transmitted diseases? This is up to the both of you, but I do recommend that you use protection in the form or condoms, dental dams, female condoms, etc. with anyone but your primary partner, and that you all agree to get tested before entering into any new sexual relationships, even if protection is being used. If you get into stable polyamorous relationships, this could be changed down the road depending on safety and agreements.
*Do you trust that your partner will abide by the safety rules that you have set up? Do you trust that, in the heat of the moment, you will abide by them also?
*If you have sexual encounters without each other being present, what will you share/not share with each other about these?
These are just a few things to get you started. I am sure that you will come up with your own questions, and that new things will come up as you actually become active with your plan. Again, opening up a relationship is a process. There is no rule book in the sky about how to proceed. That can be looked upon as both a blessing and a burden. But if you proceed with lots of communication, care, and respect, you can end up with a potentially enriched life and relationship.