Naked Before You
Getting naked here on so many levels.
Naked right now after going on a hard run. That I procrastinated on for the past lot-of hours today. Hot and sweaty and out of breath. Stripped down to nearly nothing before the shower I’m about to take.
And feeling very naked emotionally, too. Yes, I got very triggered today. Yes, my last two posts on here have been very true and very real. I was raw and feeling less than and unable to move forward a couple months (?) ago. And then last week, I was in a place of feeling blissful and full of love and possibility. And none of it was anything less than my truth in those moments, months, weeks, days.
And yet, such is the nature of us as human beings, is it not? I got into a funk today. Triggered in what feels like the deepest place of fear and vulnerability in my life at present- my work, my sacred work. Not the stuff that’s easy for me now.
“Why do I get so scared and have so much resistance? Is it because of my past life experiences? My fear and resistance feels so big and out of proportion sometimes. There must be something wrong with me”….I said all of this in my head during my run just now.
Yet, I know this is not true. There is nothing wrong with me. And those thoughts are not helpful.
A friend of mine on Facebook today posted about her frustration: that she longs to accept all of herself, and sees it happening at times, feels it happening– and then gets right back to an old, familiar place of pain. I got the sense she thinks she’s the only one. And I wanted to write back to her: “Doesn’t that simply make you human like the rest of us?” But I didn’t because I was too wrapped up in my own pain. She was just “speaking” my truth for me in public.
And now I am.
So here it is. Here I am:
Sometimes, I am terrified. Sometimes I feel so grounded and secure and full of confidence that I can’t imagine what it feels like to be terrified. Sometimes I look at myself and I can see so much beauty. Sometimes I have nothing but criticism and derisive inner dialogue for myself. Sometimes I have unlimited amounts of life force energy flowing though my body. Sometimes I am so emotionally exhausted I can barely keep my eyes open. Sometimes I feel absolutely surrounded by love, everywhere I look. Sometimes, I feel lonely and longing for a particular person, or that imagined “someone”. Sometimes I feel depressed. Sometimes I feel happy beyond belief. Sometimes I feel anxious. Sometimes I am cool as a cuke.
Of course, there are gray areas- it’s not always black and white- and, I HAVE been known to have trouble doing things in moderation. 🙂
Here’s what I know:
Love is the opposite of fear. All of the less pleasant experiences I mentioned above are fear-based. So, when I’m creating them, I’ve lost touch with love. Love for myself. Connection with Source.
Going on a run was a loving act. It ALWAYS gets me back in touch with my real self. Writing this blog was a loving act. At the beginning of it, I was crying, yet it felt more out of relief than pain. Shining the light on shame has a way of making it disappear into thin air.
In THIS moment, I feel centered and balanced and happy again.
My thought now is this: making a shift can be that easy for me and for any of us. Start with one thing. Choose the most self-loving thing, right now. I allowed myself to feel better; I didn’t “try” to feel better.
Pure positive energy is always flowing to me/us….are we allowing it?