Lately I Am Fascinated By….

Of course, this is all part of my larger interest in being part of the dismantling of the patriarchy.  That, I am committed to, both personally and professionally.  No, I am not a man-hater, not by any means.  Nor am I one to point fingers and blame.  However, we’ve been living in a patriarchal system on this planet for thousands of years, and there are many signs that it is time for that to shift.  

It doesn’t serve either men OR women for us to live in such an unbalanced world.  Yet over the past couple of years it has been increasingly clear to me when patriarchy rears its ugly head in my day to day experiences.  This is often, I’d guess, in situations that a fair amount of others don’t even notice.  We’ve been steeped in patriarchy so long, it seems “normal”.  Like when there’s a conversation happening in a mixed group and a man interrupts a woman, speaks over her even, in a louder voice.  Maybe she doesn’t even notice.  Or maybe she does, but is afraid to say anything, for fear of being perceived as a “bitch”.  Occasionally, she speaks up and asks to be heard out first.  But we all know that is the exception and not the rule.  

I’m talking about simple, everyday occurrences like that.  Much as there is such thing as institutionalized racism, so is the patriarchy woven into the fabric of our cultures as human beings.  

Many people think a Female Led Relationship is about kink, about dominance and submission.  While it’s true that an FLR may include a kinky sex life or lifestyle, an FLR is really about chivalry in its most basic form.  According to J.M. Scott, the author of “Practical FLR: Lessons for a Female Led Relationship”, …”ladies come first. That includes in the bedroom.”  She goes on to say “…she doesn’t have to assert any kind of dominance over him, nor does he have to be submissive, this is about bringing the natural urges of desire men and women have out, and the lessons we learned as children, and discovering we are much happier for it.”

Naturally, there is much more to say about this topic.  However, my spin on all of it goes like this:  Men have been allowed to get away with a lot of bad behavior in the past.  That is not good for anyone.  What men really want is to have good behavior and to please women.  What women really want it to have more power and to be pleased, both in and out of the bedroom.  This way, everyone ends up happy and fulfilled.  

This is especially important if the woman happens to have a history of childhood sexual abuse.  She must feel safe, sexually, at all times, or it can literally be (re)traumatizing for her.  The traditional way men and women have been interacting in the bedroom tends to put much of the control in the man’s hands.  He decides when it’s time to have sex, what sex will consist of, when there is enough foreplay, and I daresay, when he comes – whether or not she has come, which he may or may not even know. 

In an FLR, the woman controls all of the above, most importantly starting the first time they have sex.  She decides when she is ready to have sex with him for the first time.  He has all kinds of chivalrous behavior, opening doors for her, being complimentary, puling out her chair for her at a restaurant, all the things a man who really wants to get into a woman’s pants tends to do.  The difference here is that when she is in charge of where, when and how they have sex, including not allowing him to have an orgasm until she has had at LEAST one, that chivalrous behavior has the potential to continue indefinitely.  Not because he is constantly trying to get back into her pants, but because when she treats HERSELF with that much love and respect, so does he.  

We’d all be happier when the world is run this way.  I’m not really kidding when I say this is the answer to world peace.  It has to start with the women.  The Dalai Lama, in this famous quote, said:  “The world will be saved by the Western woman.”  I rather agree.  

If YOU have unhealed sexual abuse, I invite you to a free Connection Call with me, during which we DON’T have to talk about anything triggering to you, to discover whether I can help you, too.  And if we are not a good match to work together, I will point you in the right direction to find the resources that are right for you.  My #1 aim is to be of service.  You can schedule your free Connection Call HERE.

I also have a Facebook Group for women who have lost their desire for sex, often a consequence of unhealed sexual abuse.  It is called The Turned on Woman Community, and you can join it HERE.  Come and get information and support from both me and other group members!