I Never Knew What Date Rape Really Meant

WARNING:  Possible triggering topic.  If you are sensitive to SEXUAL ABUSE TRIGGERS do not read further.

What I mean is, I (and plenty of clients I have worked with) have the capacity to know about something and also not be fully conscious of what’s going on AT THE SAME TIME.  I guess it’s really not that mysterious. It’s called DENIAL.  And, yet, when I become aware of something that I was previously UNaware of, it always seems to blow my mind.

For example, I used to think that date rape was literally when someone went on a date and then at the end of the date they were inside somewhere making out or whatever and then suddenly one of the two of them forced the other rather vigorously to have sex with them.  Like there were violent actions and a loud protest or something.  I remember having a client years ago that reported that she’d recently been date raped.  

I thought this was something foreign to me that I’d never experienced.  

When in fact, only a couple of years ago I realized that I had been “date raped” more than once.  Both times, for me, and I suspect many others, It was more of a “party rape”, as one of my friends calls it.  The first time it happened, I was at a high school graduation party, so I was only 18 years old.  I had been drinking so I was some level of drunk, or at least buzzed enough for this to have happened.  I was talking to one of the guys from my graduating class that I had been casual friends with.  He was the guy who had his locker next to mine, actually.  And we used to joke and call each other “locker buddies” all through high school.  

I was talking to him at this particular graduation party, inside someone’s house.  And it was summer time, so it was warm outside.  I don’t even know how he got me outside, I don’t know what he said to me.  But we ended up out by his car, and the next thing I knew we were in the back seat and he was on top of me, and well, he raped me without seeming violent or forcing but also without any acknowledgement that this was happening, and certainly without any CONSENT.  

There was no: “Hey, I want to do this.  Do YOU want to do this?”  And I am quite sure that if he’d asked, and I had a moment to consider my response, it would have been “NO”.  But there was no asking and there was no moment.  It all happened very fast.  

After that it was like I knew it happened but I didn’t have words for it.  But it was always a memory that popped up from time to time, a bit like I was astonished that it actually happened.  The denial.

And it makes me wonder how many other women have been victims of date rape and not even known it? How many- I daresay – millions of these crimes have happened silently, without ever being acknowledged, processed, or healed from?  

I know, I know, we’re not supposed to talk about this stuff, right?!  

Well fuck that.  

I am speaking up about sexual abuse.  ALL kinds of sexual abuse have been done in secrecy for far too long.  And that is one of the reasons I am doing the work I am doing.  I am breaking the norms, talking about the “unspeakable” because IT’S IMPORTANT. 

Does sexual abuse happen to boys and men, too?  Hell yes it does!  Can boys and men be raped?  Yes they can and they are!  And I have just as much compassion for all of them.  

At the same time, it is much more common in women.  And as a woman, I know what it’s like to have sexual abuse affect your life in a multitude of ways, and not even REALIZE, until years afterward, the wreckage it created.  

I have a passionate desire to help women heal from sexual abuse the way that I have healed from mine.  To admit, even to themselves, that it happened.  That it wasn’t okay.  And to guide them to heal from their traumas and take their power back.  To OWN their sexuality, to HAVE boundaries, to learn to TRUST themselves, MAYBE FOR THE FIRST TIME, to come into their sovereignty and their full power.  

If YOU have unhealed sexual abuse, I invite you to a free Connection Call with me, during which we DON’T have to talk about anything triggering to you, to discover whether I can help you, too.  And if we are not a good match to work together, I will point you in the right direction to find the resources that are right for you.  My #1 aim is to be of service.  You can schedule your free Connection Call HERE.

I also have a Facebook Group for women who have lost their desire for sex, often a consequence of unhealed sexual abuse.  It is called The Turned on Woman Community, and you can join it HERE.  Come and get information and support from both me and other group members!