New Relationship Paradigm
My blog the other day, "Jealousy of Time", brought up some "yeah, buts" in some of you...understandably so.
We have all been taught- by our parents, by the larger society, by the collective, that relationships are a certain way: If you're in a relationship, you are part of a whole. Collectively, the two of you make up 100%. Fifty-fifty and all that. Some people even go as far as to call their partner their "better half". We are also told that the way to get along in a relationship is to compromise, and that we must make sacrifices for each other. And why wouldn't we believe that all of that is true? We've heard it for so long.......
“Jealousy of Time”
I had some great questions about "jealousy of time" from a reader the other day. Since I've been writing so much about poly relationships, I assumed it was about jealousy in that context, but it wasn't actually. It was more of a general question.
Jealousy of time in relationships can present itself in a number of different ways. One is when one of the partners tends to have more interests outside the relationship than the other. Or, one partner feels personally rejected when the other goes out, thinking that (s)he prefers the company of others. Sometimes jealousy presents as self-righteousness, as in "he should spend more time with me." Others can get paranoid when their partner is out without them, always thinking that they're being cheated on. (Of course, it's not really paranoia if there is cheating going on.)...
What I Love About Being Poly…
...SO FAR. I mean, really, I haven't even been in a polyamorous relationship that long, it's barely been three months, and I'm overflowing with love for the lifestyle already. Here's what's on my list to date:...
S.E.X. is Where It’s At
The other night I got to put into practice all my recent suggestions about how to proceed when you have an "issue" you need to talk to your partner about. I did NOT start out by saying we needed to talk. I simply said: "After dinner, I'd like to talk to you about how we can..." My partner immediately thought it was "something bad". What is something bad? Breaking up with someone is all I can think of. And it was certainly not that! In any case, my newest suggestion is to tack on: "it's nothing bad" at the end of the sentence....
Transparency- The Sexiest Thing on the Planet
My recent blogs about communication have spurred a great discussion with one of my readers. (Incidentally, some people prefer to respond to my blogs privately, and if it would make you more comfortable to do the same, please do.)
You know how I was talking about "hintish", the language that women speak when they communicate something in their very indirect way? Well, this reader has come up with the name of another language, one that both men and women use frequently when in relationship with each other. It's called speaking "palatable". Here's my reader's definition of it: "creating an initial version of what we want to say, a version that we think will be accepted better than the complete truth."
I believe that if most of us were honest with ourselves, we would admit to having spoken that language with past or present partners in our lives. I know I have. And I know my partners have as well.
It's not lying, exactly. It's just not revealing the whole truth. And it's based in fear. Fear of the other person's response and, ultimately, fear of rejection and abandonment.
Transparency, however, is revealing the whole truth. Transparency is holding nothing back. And transparency builds intimacy. Intimacy is closeness with your partner. And when we are in integrity, when we know that we are being transparent with our partners, and that our partners are being transparent with us, that is a huge turn-on. We can sleep very well at night (after having the great S.E.X. that transparency brings on) because there is no concealing on either part. ...
“Honey We Need to Talk” (Part II)
Okay, so in my last blog, I went over what not to do (as a woman- or a man) in having a "serious talk" with your male partner. Today, it's about what to do:
1. Arrange a time to talk with you partner. Tell him that you want to talk, what it is about, and when you propose to do this talking. For example, while at dinner last weekend, I could have said: "I'd like to talk with you about our agreements regarding other partners. Would after we get back from dinner be a good time for you?" Using this technique, a man will not feel blindsided nor will you be attempting to talk at a time that he's not in the mood- like, say, when he first gets home from work....
“Honey, We Need to Talk” (Part I)
A couple of years ago, when I was still working as a dancer, I was getting off shift one night, and one of the other dancers asked something like: "So, what are all you day-shifters doing tonight?" I said that I was going home to have a "serious talk" with my boyfriend. And she gave me some very good advice. She said: "Well, whatever you do, don't start off by saying 'Honey, we need to talk'." Point well taken. Although I thought her advice was kind of hilarious, it was hilarious because we as women many times do start off by saying something to that effect, which, I imagine, sets up a kind of dread in the hearts and minds of our partners. It's a very ineffective way of starting off a productive and fulfilling exchange....
Stacking the Odds in Your Favor
Having and keeping clear agreements (or, changing agreements up front) is essential to having a successful relationship, any type of relationship. In poly relationships it is vital.
My new partner and I have very few agreements right now, since we're just starting out. So far we have agreed that:...
What Polyamory is Not
One of my main passions in life lately has been polyamory- not just because I am newly in a polyamorous relationship (although I am passionate about that :)), also because I am just absolutely fascinated with learning about all aspects of it. Learning about polyamory from the perspective of being in a polyamorous relationship is quite different than learning about it before being in one. For me, it is similar to when I thought I knew what to expect about having a child, simply because I had spent a lot of time with my nieces and nephews. Ha!...
Make Finding a Partner Fun and Easy
My new partner and I like to play this game. You may play this one too. He says: "What are you thinking about?" during one of those rare moments when I am not actually talking, and I tell him. Which prompts me to ask him the same question. I like it. If you haven't tried it, I suggest that you do. It's a good way to have fun and learn....