Word of the Day: Compersion

According to the Urban Dictionary, compersion is defined as “a feeling of joy when a loved one invests in and takes pleasure in another romantic or sexual relationship.”  Does this sound outrageous or impossible to you?  It’s not.  As you’ve probably guessed by now, it is usually a term used to describe a feeling that can (and does) occur in some polyamorous relationships.  The opposite of compersion is generally agreed to be jealousy.

Ah, the green eyed monster, as it is called.  Jealousy, in contrast to compersion, is experienced as an unpleasant emotion rather than a pleasant one.

So does this mean that polyamorous people don’t ever feel jealousy?  Hell no.  Some polyamorous people happen to fall on the very low end of the “jealousy spectrum”, if you will.  I, for example, tend to be one of those people.  In general, jealousy is not a frequent or strong emotion for me.  And, it’s not as if polyamorous people decide to become polyamorous because they don’t tend to get jealous.  For those that have a stronger tendency toward jealousy, polyamory can be more challenging, and still not impossible.

The main difference, then, between polyamorous people and monogamous people when it comes to jealousy is that polyamorous people tend to see it as something to master rather than something to be mastered by.  How on earth can anyone do that (?!), you may be womdering.

Well, first let’s look at what jealousy really is.  Basically, it is derived from fear.  A fear of losing one’s partner (or whatever the case may be; obviously, jealousy happens in other situations too).  This may be intertwined with low self esteem, aka insecurity.  The (faulty) line of reasoning there goes something like this: ‘I’m not really worthy of my partner’s love.  If (s)he has an interest in another partner, (s)he’ll surely see that I don’t measure up, and will leave me.’  Whether you’re monogamous or polyamorous, this little chat about jealousy is relevant, so listen carefully:  jealousy can be overcome by paying attention to it, facing it, and communicating about it rather than trying to control your partner, trying to avoid feeling it, or blaming your partner for “making” you feel it.  Many people find that the more they deal with their own jealousy, the easier it becomes.

Really dare to take a look at your own jealousy.  Is it stemming from fear of loss and/or insecurity?  If so, perhaps what you need to look more deeply at is yourself.  What if you affirmed over and over in different ways, for yourself, that you are worthy and lovable?  Then you would start to love yourself more.  Then you wouldn’t be looking to your partner anymore to make you feel lovable and secure.  And maybe, just maybe, someday you’d feel some compersion, whether it were due to your partner enjoying the view of a total stranger at a nearby table in a restaurant- or your partner enjoying his or her other partner.  Compersion- just one more way I’m inviting you (and myself)  to stretch your mind ;)!