The Love Lie

I want to address a topic that has been floating around in my head for years.  It is this idea that if we “love” someone, then that is it.  It means we are to marry that person and then stay- happily ever after- with them for the rest of our lives.  And we ask each other about it as if it were some magical thing:  “Well, do you love her?  Do you love him? ” As if that would settle everything.

This idea is fed to us from the time we are toddlers watching Disney movies.  We are told it in our churches and synagogues.  We hear all sorts of versions of this message in our media.  Heck, even our government here in America promotes it- if we are good boys and girls and are married, we will get a tax break. 😛

This causes so many problems for us.  It causes suffering in so many ways.

If our soul contract with someone is to stay together for a period of time and then move on, we will sense that.  Yet everything we’ve ever learned will tell us something is wrong with us if we want out of the marriage or relationship.  Most people experience tremendous guilt, shame, and conflict even allowing themselves to have the thought of wanting to get a divorce, never mind actually doing it.  They assume that if things are not going the way they’ve been told they’re supposed to, then it must mean something is terribly wrong.

We come up with all sorts of theories about what that something might be.  Trying to make sense of it.  Maybe there is something wrong with me.  Maybe there is something wrong with my partner.  (Many of us settle on deciding that our partner is an asshole, we “picked the wrong one”, and therefore must start over.)  If we have fallen in love with someone else, then that must really mean there’s something wrong.  Because, after all, we are only allowed to love one person forever, right?  Here’s a good one:  I don’t think I ever loved him/her.  Or, conversely, I don’t think he/she ever loved me.  Now we must literally twist our experiences (our knowing that yes in fact we did love our partner and still do, and they did love us and still do) around to make them fit the love lie.  Because, after all, it is one of the foundations of our society.  If that were not true, what are our lives based on, a lie?!

Well, yes.

Can you see how this whole paradigm is crazy-making?

Here’s what’s really true.  For a very small percentage of us, (like five percent) our soul’s intention before coming here was to meet one person, fall in love, and stay together forever.  That’s it.

For the rest of us, our soul contracts will be fulfilled.  And then it is time to move on and create new learning with someone else, Or, the other very likely possibility is that our soul intended to love more than one person at the same time.  Eek! Imagine that. 

In this new paradigm, it is okay to have serial monogamy and also polyamory.  There need not be something wrong with us or our partners if either of these turn out to feel like our natural paths. We need not blame ourselves or our partners for the way things are. We don’t have to make anyone or any feelings wrong.

We may still experience normal feelings of grief in the transitions.  Pain is part of life.  Making up lies and believing them doesn’t have to be.

4 Replies to "The Love Lie"

  • Susan Nagle
    May 2, 2014 (6:42 pm)

    “Pain is a part of life”…. yes that is very true. It is the physical and mental signal that something is wrong.

    As so many people do destructive things to avoid pain, it is pretty clear that even the thought of pain causes fear.

    As you have written yourself, physically pushing yourself through pain can cause life long injury. It is the same with mental pain.

    Pain should be respected, if many of your days are spent in pain…your body and your soul are telling you something must stop.

    Living in Pain should never be accepted.

    For me the real lie we are told is “No Pain No Gain”
    I believe “No Gain until we stop the Pain”

    • Maria Merloni
      May 5, 2014 (3:03 pm)

      I agree. I certainly did not mean to imply that it would be good for anyone to live in pain for extended periods of time; not sure if you thought that. And, I haven’t met anyone yet who has gotten through life without feeling the emotional pain of fear, anger, and/or sadness. Best to let them move through when they come up, and move on to the next feeling, which will likely be joy. Thanks for your thoughts!

  • Cheryl Ruebner
    May 3, 2014 (3:21 am)

    Powerful point, that acknowledging our feelings as relationships naturally progress, change, and become redefined in order that all involved are supported in their quests for happiness and fulfillment is something that is paramount to keeping love healthy. Transitions can be rough. They are delicate and require extra focus and attention. I am finding in my own personal relationship transitions, especially ones of voicing and working out negotiation of needs, quirks, and desires, that it can feel uncomfortable in the beginning, especially when we aren’t exactly sure of what it is that we are wanting and needing from a given situation. Knowing that things are changeable and that we aren’t being “held to” what we have voiced before is a powerful concept to hold on to, especially when we are overly concerned about the power of our declarations.

    • Maria Merloni
      May 5, 2014 (3:07 pm)

      Sounds like you are deeply committed to the process of being transparent in your relationship. And i agree, it is not so easy at times, especially at first, although so worth it. And yes, it is lovely and freeing to have the understanding from a partner that what you say today may not be the same as what you say tomorrow.I wish you continued success in your quest to express yourself and have your needs met, whatever they may turn out to be. ♥