My New “Poly”
I have been in a deep exploration of relationship lately.
This starts with my relationship with myself, and with the Source within me, which are kind of the same.
And here’s what I’ve come to: my deepest desire is to be so connected to Who I Really Am that I am no longer conditional in my ability to give and receive love, to be in the flow of love, and to feel worthy of love. To experience joy. I desire to be in the flow of love no matter what. When it’s raining. When I have period cramps. When the sun is shining. When someone appears to be rejecting me. When someone is really kissing my ass- okay, this could go either way, literally and figuratively- I prefer both. 😉
I want to be so completely independent from anyone else needing to do or say anything at all (or NOT do or say whatever) that I know I am love and I am lovable regardless of any of it.
I want to keep doing what I’ve been doing for months now. I want to make my relationship with me my #1. And not lose myself when I am in relationship with others. And when I say that, I define “relationship” in the broadest sense possible.
Do you know what that does? It makes me so free. When I practice that, suddenly I see myself becoming a relationship anarchist of sorts- with, of course, my own delicious spin on it, as with everything I do. (Don’t know what relationship anarchy is? See definition here.)
When I practice that, which is more and more lately, I no longer feel a need to define my relationships in ways that I have before….are we “just friends”? Are we more than friends? Are we “dating”? Are we fuck buddies? Are we “in a relationship?” Goddess, it’s all so exhausting, isn’t it?
When I practice that, I have no expectations. I know I just saw you last night. And I love you. And that one time at a gathering we made out. And that last night we didn’t. And that we hugged. And that when you got home, you sent me one single red heart in a text. And that I sent you one single red heart back. And that no words were needed. And I know that we plan in a general sense to see each other again.
I don’t know that one of us won’t get hit by a train before we see each other again. I don’t know that we’ll never be sexual with each other again. I don’t know that we will. I don’t know when or if we will text each other tomorrow, or next week, or next month. I know that I am PLANNING to attend the same event you’re attending next month. I don’t know that I’ll actually be there, or that you will.
When I practice that, I let go of the need to know ANY of that.
All I know is that I am love. And that I love you. I love a LOT of people. And that as long as I stay connected to me, and make choices that honor me, and my boundaries- defined very simply by Brene Brown as “what’s okay, what’s not okay”, all is well. All is more than well.
My life. Is. Amazing.