I Have to Tell You, Part II
For those of you who have been waiting with bated breath 😛 for part II of my last blog, here it is:
The updates about my primary relationship are the following.
1. No sooner had I mentioned that no one ever “arrives” at any particular place in life, (this time referencing all the progress I’d made with my insecurity and jealousy in this poly relationship) than I had a “relapse”. It wasn’t as long or intense as the episodes in the past, and it did happen. Not a lot to say about that. In part, I think I created it due to my fear about the other relationship update, below.
2. We are moving in together! Yes, yes, I know, it’s exciting, isn’t it? Especially considering that I haven’t lived with a partner since my divorce, over twelve years ago. (Think I’ve been a little scared about committing again?!) And, especially since my partner is possibly even more fearful than I am- he, in part because his divorce was less than a year ago. I know, we are brave souls. And, there are many factors that seemed to be pointing us in this direction- so we decided to go with the flow rather than swim against the tide.
And also, there’s more news I haven’t told you- I have a girlfriend now. That, however, is a blog for another time, and I haven’t even gotten her permission yet to blog about it, so I don’t know how many details I’ll be able to share.
Referencing what I said about jealousy above, I do want to share what I believe were the things I did that helped me overcome a lot of it, and also to say a few words about jealousy in poly relationships, first. It is a myth that poly people don’t deal with jealousy. And, although almost all of them do, it tends to be more intense at first, and then lessen with time, as has been the case with me.
So here are the things I did that helped me lessen my insecurity and jealousy:
1. I told the (my) truth about it. I said things like: “I noticed my heart just started beating faster when you mentioned your date with Suzie Q.”
2. I journaled about it and processed it on my own, in a safe space.
3. I allowed myself to cry when I needed to, both by myself and with my primary partner.
4. I even revealed the really embarrassing insecurities that women are prone to having, like: “I’m afraid you’ll think her pussy is more attractive than mine.” (Even just saying these things out loud helped me to realize how irrational and actually funny many of these thoughts are.)
5. I did my best to accept that what I was experiencing was just that- what I was experiencing, and not to judge myself for it. (This was hard, and I am not perfect at it, but getting better.)
6. I was fully transparent not just with myself and my partner but with the whole world, by blogging about it. There is something about insecurity and shame- they tend to dissolve when the light is shined upon them.
7. I rinsed and repeated. I did not give up on myself, no matter how many times these issues came up for me, or how much I wanted to pretend they weren’t coming up for me.
8. I took responsibility for my feelings. I did not blame my partner for “doing something wrong” when he was simply doing what we had agreed to do. I shared my feelings honestly, yet also took responsibility for creating them and processing them.
9. I chose a great primary partner to move through my first year in a polyamorous relationship with! Without a partner that was willing to listen without taking things personally and allow me to lie on his chest and soak his shirt on numerous occasions with my tears, I don’t know if I could have done it! ♥