I Have to Tell You

I know many of you have been reading my blogs from the beginning of my primary relationship, which started over a year ago now, and were privy to every excruciating detail of the struggles I have had.  It’s my first real polyamorous relationship, and I/we had some issues to work through, such as jealousy, insecurities, transparency, and trust- the big stuff.  Now, to be clear, I’m not saying I have “arrived” at a place of total peace and harmony in my relationship, and I am saying that I have made it over a huge hump!  (Frankly, I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but there’s no such thing as “arriving”, in any area of life.  As long as we are alive, there will always be more learning, transformation, and growth to be done.)

I haven’t blogged about all the developments in our relationship yet, so let me give you the Reader’s Digest version here:  My boyfriend had another sexual encounter with a new woman back in September.  That one brought up some jealousy for me, but the main issue I had with it is that my partner had broken an agreement we had.  This necessitated several rounds of talking, during which my partner announced that he was going to become a monk because dating was “not worth it”.  He said he doubted my ability to be in a poly relationship due to all the issues I was having with jealousy.

That got me thinking.  And I had to disagree with him.  Looking back, I could see that the amount of jealousy and anxiety (fear of abandonment resurfacing) I had was declining, not staying the same and not increasing, with each round of his sexual experiences with others.  I shared with him on an even deeper level than I had what my internal experience was, and I think he got it, because the very same day he was already talking about hooking up with one of my friends.  That monk phase didn’t last long! 😉

Then I was re-reading the jealousy chapter in “The Ethical Slut”, and was reminded that the authors’ recommendation about rules and restrictions on our partners (other than the obvious things like safer sex) were best either avoided or used as temporary measures only.  They pointed out that otherwise the person who’s placing the restrictions is not really working through their jealousies and insecurities.  I read this type of statement from various sources in a fairly short period of time, not coincidentally, I’m sure.

And then suddenly one day I got a desire, which I’m quite sure came from my soul, to tell my partner that other than our safe sex and sacred space agreements, I was ready to let go of any “rules” we had agreed on previously.  I no longer felt the need, for example, for him to inform me ahead of time if he was planning to go on a date.  I also rescinded my former request that he refrain from making out with other partners in my presence.  I let go of the control of wanting to approve of his chosen partners as someone that I would not mind his having what we had termed “leeway sex” with.  In short, I basically said:  “Do what you want with whomever you want and let me know about it afterward.” (Of course, he in turn allows me the same freedom, and probably wouldn’t have had a problem with doing so from day one.)

The result was that I almost immediately got a sense of relief.  I no longer needed to concern myself with quizzing him about all the details of his plans and intentions.  Letting go of the control, which is an illusion anyway, I actually felt a lot calmer and more secure.

I want to give you even more relationship updates, and will need to continue this blog in a part II, where I will both reveal more exciting relationship news and review all the things I did to go from jealousy to compersion!