Gettin’ Some

This week I did some public speaking, and two things really stood out for me.  The first was, I remembered how much I LOVE public speaking, and did follow that up with setting an intention to do more of that in the near future.  The second, which is really the subject of this blog was this: the picture painted for me of the sex lives of the group I spoke to was pretty bleak.  There doesn’t seem to be much sex going on in the lives of many long-term couples.

If you, too, fall into the category of wishing that you and your partner were having more sex, I will give a brief synopsis of the three aspects I covered regarding bringing more sexuality and sensuality into your lives.  The three aspects are focusing on self care first, focusing on the relationship, and creating a context where sex is more likely to occur.

Often, in a heterosexual couple, it is the man who wants sex more than the woman.  Men do naturally have higher sex drives.  Although I have heard plenty of stories where the woman is practically begging for sex and still not getting it as often as she wants.

In either case, a good place to start if your goal is to have more sex is with yourself.  (I don’t mean having sex with yourself, but that wouldn’t hurt either!)  What were  you doing in your life the last time you had a higher sex drive?  In general, taking good care of your body and your spirit will make you feel sexy/ more sexual.  This may include things like taking time for yourself, exercising, eating healthy, and indulging your sensual self with things that feel good to you.  How can you expect yourself to feel like having sex, or your partner to feel like having sex with you, if you’re not doing things to make yourself feel good?

Second, give yourselves a little relationship check-up.  Are there any important communications that have been left unsaid between you?  If the channel between you is clogged up, it’s less likely that sex will occur.  Are you spending time together alone as a couple?  (And I mean on a regular basis, not once a month!)  Are you giving each other appreciations, or are the exchanges mostly just about logistics and complaints?  Are you engaging in regular non-sexual touch, or do you mostly only touch each other on the rare occasions when you have sex?

Finally, sex does not just magically happen in people’s busy lives these days.  Sometimes you’ll have to actually do things to create time/space for it to happen.  If you have kids, get a babysitter.  If you can’t afford that, swap babysitting with some friends.  Have a drink together to relax yourselves and put yourselves in “the mood”.  Think creatively about when and where you have sex.  It doesn’t have to be only on Saturday nights in your bed.  Have sex at times of the day when you’re NOT tired.  Make it a priority.  If you wait until bedtime, many times you’ll run out of steam before you finally get everything else done.

Having sex is a bit like eating potato chips.  It seems that the more you have, the more you want to have.  Both men and women will produce more testosterone as a result of having sex.  More testosterone equals higher sex drive.  If you can get the ball rolling a little faster, pretty soon it will feel less like work and more like the pleasure that sex is meant to be.