What is True Love?
I recently got a response from a reader on one of my blogs that provoked a lot of thought, and I'd like to respond to it here (with the readers' permission, which I've already gotten.) So that I don't lose anything in the interpretation, I will first simply quote what the reader said: "what I don't get about you and poly, is that when he is with Emliy, you are feeling MONO.....and race to overcome these feeling....why?...these are our true love feelings? why bend them to make it alright?"
You know that thing in school, when the teacher says something like: 'If you have a question, ask it, because I guarantee there are more of you with the same question.'? Well, I have a feeling teachers know about this kind of stuff, and that if this one reader spoke up and asked the question, there are probably more of you who are wondering why I am insisting on continuing to be poly when it is obviously painful for me at times.
So here's what I want to say in response to all of that, dear readers. I respectfully disagree. The "true love feelings" of jealousy (and the insecurity that is inevitably a part of it) are not love. ...
“Full Catastrophe” Dating- Part III
Just to jog your memory (as if you could forget the details of my fascinating life ;) ), my primary partner had just had sex with someone else for the first time since we've been dating, and I kinda freaked out. Then I cried a lot, he supported me, and I felt better. I had a couple more minor episodes or twinges of jealousy later that week, and since then have felt peace.
I've noticed that when there is a major learning/growth opportunity in my relationship, I understand some of it while I'm going through it, and some of it doesn't come 'til hours, days, or weeks later.
Below are a number of things that I've realized, related to this round of learning:...
“Full Catastrophe” Dating- Part II
So, when I left off, I had just had a big reveal about all the fears and insecurities that came up for me when my primary partner had set up a date with "Emily". The crying that I did after the revealing, and the way my partner so expertly held space for me, resulted in my feeling just fine about the date when the day of it came. There was none of the panic I had when he had gone on the date with Jane; we've both come a long way since then.
He texted me afterward that he'd had a "lovely afternoon" on his date, which sounded to me like nothing much physically had happened between them. (Emily hadn't made any promises.)...
“Full Catashrophe” Dating
The author of a book named "Full Catastrophe Living", John Kabat-Zinn, refers to "the poignant enormity of our life experience" and suggests mindfulness (being present in each moment) as a means to coping with it. After a recent experience in my primary relationship, I decided that polyamory is "full catastrophe" dating. It's facing whatever is there in each moment. In polyamory, there is no hiding.
Allow me to explain: the day finally came. My primary partner had sex, actual intercourse, with someone else. And it brought up more for me than I had anticipated....
Warning: Rant about Ranting Ahead
As those of you who read my blog regularly know, I rarely go on a rant about anything....and I feel once coming on. Just sayin'
This particular rant got triggered by a post I read the other day, in which a Facebook friend of mine (whom I don't know personally) stated that she was "curious" about the poly lifestyle and then went on to judge it as being not only morally wrong but inferior to the monogamous lifestyle. First of all, let's call a spade a spade: "curiosity" and judgment are two very different things.
I'm not saying this judgment goes one way. I have seen those that are into polyamyory judging the monogamous lifestyle as well. I myself am guilty as having presented polyamory, or at least non-monogamy, as being the "natural" way for all of us. I have since changed my mind about that, but nevertheless- I said it....
The “D Word”
That's what my daughter used to call "divorce" when she was five. When her dad and I got divorced. Interestingly, she was unknowingly reflecting the attitude of our whole society toward divorce. We treat it is if as it were a bad word. Kind of like Valdemort from Harry Potter. The unmentionable.
Depending on how you look at the statistics, the divorce rate in America is somewhere between 40% and 70%. It is generally considered a bad thing that the divorce rate is where it is. And America is not even in the top five countries worldwide for the incidence of divorce.
Yes, the divorce rate in America is high. And I would say that if people were to be honest with themselves and each other and end their marriages when they were really over, the divorce rate would be much higher. More like 85 to 90 percent....
Sweet Spots Happen- Part II
So then last weekend was when I landed on the name for where my poly partner and I are at: the "sweet spot".
Let me back up a bit. I left off last week telling about our recent round two of concealing, pain, mistrust, revealing, recommitting to transparency, and trust. Then there was more harmony. And then we went away for a long weekend of learning and adventure. By Sunday night, I was lying in our tent, freezing my cute little ass off, and simultaneously blissed out. (Anyone who knows me knows that I hate being cold, so if I was really happy and really freezing at the same time, that means I was really f*cking happy!) And I told my partner that I felt like we had really hit a "sweet spot" in our relationship. He agreed....
Sweet Spots Happen
After my (rather dramatic) blogs about my dating experience in my polyamorous relationship, you may have been wondering...well, what happened next? Thankfully, things have settled down quite a bit, so there hasn't been as much to tell. And, this past weekend, I realized that my "primary" and I have reached a real "sweet spot" in our relationship, and that part of the reason for that is how we are doing handling the green-eyed monster, aka jealousy.
In writing this now, I realize it is hard to tell a story about one aspect of relationship without involving others. That is because all aspects of relationship are intertwined. I can't really talk about jealousy without talking about trust....
‘Til Death do us Part?
Really?! I don't know about you, but deep down inside, I have always had a "niggle" about this phrase...something that in my body I could feel I was not okay with, but that I could not put into words...
And then, just as I had been writing about love affairs and such this week, in my inbox was my daily Abraham quote that read:...
What if Affairs Were a Thing of the Past?
What if the only parts of love "affairs" were the good parts that I talked about in my last blog?
What if those whose souls truly, deeply wanted to be monogamous with each other chose that, and the rest chose polyamory?
What if those "affairs" weren't really affairs anymore, and were simply loving another person in addition to the partner(s) we already loved?
What if people learned to trust themselves and each other?
What do you think the world would be like if all those things came to pass?...