A New Kind of Hangover

Typically, people think of hangovers as the thing that they get after drinking too much alcohol the night before.  While of course that is a hangover, I have recently coined another new term.  I call it the “monogamy hangover”.  That is the thing that people get after having too much monogamy. 😉

Okay, I’m kinda kidding about the “too much monogamy” thing.  But you know me, I like to bring humor to these topics that so many of us find so serious, like S.E.X. and lifestyle choices!

What I really mean is this: a monogamy hangover is what happens after a person has been raised in a society that almost exclusively endorses monogamy as the “right” way to do relationships. 

With monogamy, come certain assumptions.  Like the assumption that we are not supposed to be attracted to others if we are monogamous, or the assumption that we are not supposed to look lustfully at them even if we are attracted (or at least not while our partner is looking!) , or the assumption that we are not supposed to talk to our partners about those attractions.

People learn to justify their jealousy by saying that things their partner does are “wrong”, rather than face the real underlying issue which is, many times, their personal insecurities.

Honestly, though, who’s to say what’s “right” and “wrong”?  If you are not the one deciding what does or doesn’t work for you in your life and your relationship(s), then who is?  And why are you giving up your power in that way?

Personally, I’ve noticed myself feeling everything from a tiny twinge of jealousy to complete outrage following things that my primary partner has done over the past year (yes, we just celebrated our one year anniversary!).   And sometimes those feelings have been based in some sort of reality- for instance, that he was not being transparent with me.   Sometimes, however, they haven’t .  They’ve been based in some sort of knee-jerk reaction that has been so deeply ingrained in me I didn’t even realize it existed.

Here’s a more concrete example:  I was recently telling a friend that my partner and I were considering living together.  She did one of those monogamy hangover moves herself, by stating how inappropriate it would be for my daughter to be exposed to his dating other people while living at my house.   And then she caught herself.  Why, exactly, would that be harmful to her?  Because it is not the norm?  And just because something is not the norm, does that mean it is bad, or worse, than what is the norm?

I think that there are probably many kinds of “hangovers” that we all have, that we are not even aware of.  Monogamy hangovers are just the tip of the iceberg.  What about Puritan hangovers?  What about all types of religion hangovers (for those of us who were exposed to one or more religions in the past and have moved away from them)?  What about public education hangovers?  I’m sure you can think of a few more yourself.

Point is, I strongly suggest that we all look at the assumptions underlying our beliefs and opinions about things, including monogamy.  Its’ a good idea for us all to be conscious of the ones we do have, so that we can choose them on purpose rather than by default.  That’s called conscious living, and it’s the only way we can be sure we are creating the lives we really want, not the lives the government, or our parents, society, or anyone else wants us to have!

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