What Makes Someone Good in Bed?
Have you ever wondered what makes some sexual partners a-ma-zing, and others not so much? Well, I certainly have. I mean aside from the obvious stuff, like their personal hygiene is good, you find them attractive, bla, bla, bla. Not that that stuff’s not important- it is- it’s just not the topic of this blog. What I’m really talking about here is why some people seem to have what I call “that thing” (and I don’t mean a penis, although that is a good thing to have! ;)) and others don’t.
Basically, I think the answer is very similar to the answer to this question: Why are some massage therapists so much better than others? Right?! Now, I bet you’ve you’ve at least wondered that!
I think the answer is three-fold. One, the person has the skills. For example, they went to massage therapy school. Or, they’ve had sex enough (practice makes perfect!), whether it’s with one partner or thousands, that they actually know what they are doing in the sack. But, as we all know, every massage therapist went to school, and some of them are not so good, for example. Clearly, it’s not as simple as knowing the mechanics of massage therapy- or sex.
Two, the person has an innately sexual nature. I mean very sexual. I mean sex is oozing out of their pores. I don’t mean sexy. When I was a dancer, I knew some women that were gorgeous, with beautiful bodies- sexy! And yet, they didn’t have a sexual bone in their bodies.
So what’s the third thing? To me, the third thing is an innate ability to know what one’s doing, way beyond the level of technique. Back to the massage therapy example again. (I’m sorry, I know massage therapy is not as fun to talk about as sex, and it’s the perfect analogy here.) I know some people who are better than trained massage therapists and have never been to a day of massage therapy school in their lives. They just have “that thing”. They know where to go. It’s like intuition. They put their hands on the exact spots that have the knots. They can feel the knots. They know when to stay in a particular spot and when another place on the body is calling out to be healed next. All without thinking about it.
My theory is that amazing lovers have “that thing” about sex. And I think that actually the key is “without thinking about it”. What is that? We know what it’s not- thinking. Yet, what is it? Here’s what I believe it is: presence. Simply presence. Almost like sex meditation. (Hey, I like that, maybe I could invent a new practice- sex meditation!) Being so present in the moment that one’s innate ability to know, to just know, without thinking, comes through.
So, what do you think about all this? Am I the only one that wonders about this? Probably not. Do you agree? Or do you think there’s something else that I haven’t identified? It’s time for my readers to stop being shy and start talking about this stuff together-it’s how we learn! And, really, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about!
GB
October 5, 2012 (5:17 pm)
Hello,
Interesting post. Here are my thoughts. Going back in time during my less mature years, I recall thinking that what was needed to be good in bed was being ‘cool’ – good looks, good body, good personality. During those times I thought I was ‘good in bed’. However, as I’ve matured I’ve come to realize that there is much more involved. During those early times, I’ve come to realize, it was more about me and that I wasn’t really present for my partner. Sure, there were the moans and groans that made me think I was good; however, in reality I was just going through the motions. As I’ve matured, I’ve found that there is much more to being good in bed – there needs to be a connection between 2 people, and not just a physical one. I’ve been married for a number of years and for a bunch of those years, I still had the same mentality and thought I was good. The reality, though, was that I was not as good as I thought I was – I guess you could say I probably wasn’t as sexually mature as I thought I was. At some point I realized I has a lot to learn with both the physical AND emotional aspects of being good in bed. I had to let go of my inhibitions and learn to explore new ways of pleasing her emotionally and physically. I being ‘present’ – the emotional side – is extremely import and necessary. I also think there is a lot that goes into the emotional part – both inside and outside the bedroom (or where ever ‘it’ may happen :-)). Finally, there is the physical side. For me it was letting go of inhibitions and trying new things. For us this has resulted in profoundly powerful emotional and physical experiences. So, in summary, I think it’s a combination of the 2 are necessary for someone to ‘good in bed’.
Maria Merloni
October 6, 2012 (1:27 pm)
Hi GB,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts! Your story about the process of maturing sexually, is similar to mine. Wondering how many of us go through that process….Sounds like you have arrived at a place that is mutually satisfying in mulitple ways (pun intended) for you and your wife. Good for you!
Maria
Melvin Bohn
January 27, 2013 (9:32 pm)
I agree with this. though I am not mature regarding with thing, but somehow I am eager to learn how to be not that childish one. Sex is fun but we must also consider if our partner is also having fun, it would be better that both partner can receive contentment.
Maria Merloni
January 27, 2013 (10:06 pm)
Yes, it is better that both partners can receive contentment, and we can all ask out partners what want/like. Ultimately, though, it is each person’s responsibility to make sure that their own sexual needs are being met. That’s part of maturity too, asking for what you want, giving feedback, etc. Thanks for your input!