According to the Urban Dictionary, compersion is defined as “a feeling of joy when a loved one invests in and takes pleasure in another romantic or sexual relationship.” Does this sound outrageous or impossible to you? It’s not. As you’ve probably guessed by now, it is usually a term used to describe a feeling that can (and does) occur in some polyamorous relationships. The opposite of compersion is generally agreed to be jealousy.
Ah, the green eyed monster, as it is called. Jealousy, in contrast to compersion, is experienced as an unpleasant emotion rather than a pleasant one.
So does this mean that polyamorous people don’t ever feel jealousy? Hell no. Some polyamorous people happen to fall on the very low end of the “jealousy spectrum”, if you will. I, for example, tend to be one of those people. In general, jealousy is not a frequent or strong emotion for me. And, it’s not as if polyamorous people decide to become polyamorous because they don’t tend to get jealous. For those that have a stronger tendency toward jealousy, polyamory can be more challenging, and still not impossible.
The main difference, then, between polyamorous people and monogamous people when it comes to jealousy is that polyamorous people tend to see it as something to master rather than something to be mastered by. How on earth can anyone do that (?!), you may be womdering.
Well, first let’s look at what jealousy really is. Basically, it is derived from fear. A fear of losing one’s partner (or whatever the case may be; obviously, jealousy happens in other situations too). This may be intertwined with low self esteem, aka insecurity. The (faulty) line of reasoning there goes something like this: ‘I’m not really worthy of my partner’s love. If (s)he has an interest in another partner, (s)he’ll surely see that I don’t measure up, and will leave me.’ Whether you’re monogamous or polyamorous, this little chat about jealousy is relevant, so listen carefully: jealousy can be overcome by paying attention to it, facing it, and communicating about it rather than trying to control your partner, trying to avoid feeling it, or blaming your partner for “making” you feel it. Many people find that the more they deal with their own jealousy, the easier it becomes.
Really dare to take a look at your own jealousy. Is it stemming from fear of loss and/or insecurity? If so, perhaps what you need to look more deeply at is yourself. What if you affirmed over and over in different ways, for yourself, that you are worthy and lovable? Then you would start to love yourself more. Then you wouldn’t be looking to your partner anymore to make you feel lovable and secure. And maybe, just maybe, someday you’d feel some compersion, whether it were due to your partner enjoying the view of a total stranger at a nearby table in a restaurant- or your partner enjoying his or her other partner. Compersion- just one more way I’m inviting you (and myself) to stretch your mind ;)!
Compersion, huh? It’ll take awhile for us to really understand this practice.
I agree…we are all works in progress. As one of my good friends likes to say: “when you’re done, you’re dead”. We are not meant to have “arrived” at where we all want to be with things yet!
What about jealously of time? Do you think that jealously of time is such a fundamental issue in any relationship – and of course compounded by a poly relationship that it is one of the primary issues that must be agreed upon with the greatest of transparency? Or for long term success does everyone involved need to be able to accept that time devoted to each relationship will constantly be changing?
Do you think that the issue of time is so emotionally packed that it is the main reason many poly relationships have primary and secondary relationships? Do you think that establishing primary and secondary relationships are a good way to set expectations to all involved?
Wow, these are such great questions! Here are my thoughts on them:
Yes, I think that jealousy of time can be a fundamental issue in any relationship, and especially in a poly relationship (because there can be less time for each partner). While not denying that is true, I also think that in any type of relationship, the “real” issue, or the deeper issue, in jealousy of time is often based in each partner’s personal feeling of worthiness. In other words, if I am clear that I am worthy of love, time, attention, all of that good stuff, then I will be a whole lot less bothered by not always getting to spend as much time with my partner as I might like.
I also think that there is no one right or wrong way to do poly relationships. Yes, some couples may have agreements about what “primary” and “secondary” relationships are in their lives. Most couples, if they are married to each other, tend to make the marital relationship primary in the sense that its nourishment takes precedence over others. And, who’s to say what is really the closer relationship? I may be married and then meet a partner that I have an even deeper soul bond with. Also, one relationship or the other taking precedence can change over time, back and forth.
Personally, I think that what works best is for mature adults to realize that there are times when one relationship is going to take precedence over another, and that it has nothing to do how much love exists between partners.
Thanks for these thought-provoking questions…I feel another blog coming on! 🙂