More Drama Games
Last week I was talking about some games people play on what is called The Triangle, where all drama occurs. This blog is a continuation of that. Below is a list of more “games” that may sound familiar and how to avoid them. Again, in some cases I have used either a masculine or feminine pronoun, but in these games, men and women can- and sometimes do-play either role.
1. I am Your Master. Here, you are the Victim and she is the Villain. If you want to do something, such as go out with the guys, you have to ask her permission, as if you’re a child. And, if you don’t, or even if you do and she says yes but doesn’t mean it, you are in the doghouse. Here’s the more adult way of doing things: you are both equals and grownups. No one has to ask the other’s permission to do anything. Sure, if you have children or a busy social calendar, you may consult with each other to see if things fit into the family schedule before planning them, but that is different. In a healthy relationship, you don’t need each other’s approval or permission to do what you want, as long as that thing (such as having other sexual partners) doesn’t break any agreements that you previously have with each other.
2. Oh, You Poor Thing. This is the game where one of you is the Victim (as in you feel sorry for yourself because of some aspect of your life) and the other is the Hero. Let’s say you have a job that you really hate. So every day you come home and complain about that job to your partner. Although you may want him or her to “side” with you and tell you what a jerk your boss is, for example, it is not really helping you. It is just feeding into your seeing yourself as a Victim. A truly loyal partner would help you discover how and maybe even why you are creating this in your life and how you can create what you really want instead.
3. You are a Loser. In this one, there is a Villain and a Victim. The Villain engages in putting down the Victim, telling him all the reasons why (s)he is a bad partner who will never amount to anything. It is a version of a game I mentioned last week called It is All Your Fault. It is an excuse for why the Villain is miserable. What’s the truth here? The Villain is miserable because (s)he is choosing to be miserable. What’s the healthier alternative? You, again, both take responsibility for the creation of your own lives. You are responsible for creating your own happiness and success in life and so is your partner.
4. You are Being Mean to Me. Again, it’s a Victim/Villain game. These are very popular. You take some truth about your partner (such as the fact that (s)he hasn’t much felt like having sex recently) and you see yourself as being the Victim of it, as if (s)he’s doing it just to make you feel bad, or it’s all because there’s something wrong with you. In reality, you are not at the effect of your partner’s whims or anything else in this world, but sometimes you might feel like you are. Or, you could choose to be happy no matter what (s)he does or doesn’t do.
5. I Don’t Trust You. This is the game where one of you has an irrational mistrust of the other. For instance, she gets mad if you look at another woman in public. Or, she doesn’t want you to have any female friends even though you assure her, and it is true, that there’s no “funny business” going on. She sees herself as the Victim, even though you are only doing what is natural to you, and you as the Villain. The solution to that is you both learn to love yourselves, and don’t try to blame the other or make him/her feel guilty for your insecurity and lack of self-esteem.