Self-Compassion is the Antidote to Suffering

As I mentioned in my blog last week, titled “I Love”, I have been on a long, amazing journey of growth and discovery.  Probably the most important thing I learned in the past eighteen months:  the difference between pain and suffering is self-compassion.

One of the best definitions I have ever found for the word pain was written by Kahlil Gibran in “The Prophet”.  My college boyfriend gave me that book quite a few (!) years ago, and I still think of this quote sometimes:  “Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.”  We all know when we are in pain, but have we ever really thought about what pain is?  I have felt a lot of pain during this process.  Much of the time I turned it into suffering through the way that I chose to think about it.

I was suffering when I had thoughts about what was happening that resulted in my either feeling sorry for myself for what I was going through or blaming someone for what I was going through (namely myself and at times God(dess).  This would sound in my head like the following phrases:  “I can’t believe this is happening to me.  I must be doing something wrong if this is happening.  What was God(dess) thinking when (s)he came up with this living on Earth idea anyway?!”.

So, to review:  I experienced pain.  I added a drop of drama to it.  Pain + Drama = Suffering.  Bet you never learned that equation in school.  And, it’s probably a lot more useful than any of those algebra equations they taught you!

If any of this sounds familiar to you in your own life experience, I have also learned several ways to cultivate self-compassion which worked beautifully for me.  Self-compassion turns the suffering back into pain, which is actually tolerable, even for long periods of time.  Suffering is not.  Pain, when faced and simply experienced for what it is, is not that bad.  In fact, I have even been able to experience ecstasy and pain simultaneously many times in my journey (and I don’t mean S and M, but that’s not bad either ;))

Here’s one self-compassion technique for you to try:  The next time you are experiencing pain, take some time to really feel it.  Notice what you are feeling- it is probably one of the “big three” (anger, fear, or sadness) or some combination of them.  Even if you can’t identify a feeling, simply pay attention to your body sensations.  What does this pain feel like in your body?  Where in your body do you feel it?  Simply breathe and bring your awareness to the body sensations of it.  Notice what kinds of body sensations you are having.  Breathe slowly in and out through your nose.  Close your eyes  if you can.  Notice what you notice.  Stop resisting it.  Allow your feeling(s) to flow.  You may or may not have the impulse to cry, scream, shake, whatever.  As long as you are in a place where you’re not afraid of getting hauled off to the hospital for it- just kidding, but not really- allow your your body to do whatever it needs to do.  Ride the wave of your feeling.  It will not last forever, I promise.  Usually ten, fifteen minutes, max.  Always be kind and gentle with yourself and others in this process.  If it gets too intense for you to stay with the body sensations, move your attention to your breath for a moment or two, then back to the feeling in your body.   When the pain has passed, decide where you want to go from there, and create that.  Joy and/or sexual feelings are my suggestions.