You Own You
This keeps coming up for me: couples that try to put restrictions on each other, to control each other. Probably because I am such a free spirit myself 🙂 it has always irked me when I hear about this. For example, years ago, when I was still working for a human service agency, I used to have a group of female colleagues I’d go out with sometimes. One time we though it would be fun to have an adult “pajama party” at one of our houses. One of the women in our group said she couldn’t go because her husband had a 1 a.m. curfew for her. Whaaaaat?!
When I was a stripper, guys would often approach me and ask if I had a boyfriend. Being the honest person that I am (most dancers are not single, but claim they are), I would say yes. Very often the next thing the guy would say is: “I can’t believe your boyfriend let’s you do this.” I got the same thing when I was a nude model on my college campus. Fellow students couldn’t believe my boyfriend “let” me do it. This would really infuriate me! I don’t need anyone to “let” me do anything; I’m an adult.
Oh, and it gets worse: People don’t want their partners to look at others they find attractive, flirt with them, dance with them, be friends with them, or go out to lunch with their exes. You name it, the line has probably been drawn in one dysfunctional relationship or another.
News flash: people don’t own each other. We are not each others property, whether we are in a relationship or even a marriage. You own you. No one else gets to decide what you can or can’t do.
These are not actually relationships, in my way of looking at things. They are entanglements. Relationships happen between two equal partners. In a relationship, I do not dictate to my partner what he can or cannot do. And he does not dictate to me.
That does not mean my partner does not take my feelings into consideration. He does. For example, recently he decided to take a trip to Colorado. He asked me to go with him, but I was not available. He then asked how I would feel about his asking Jane to go on the trip with him. I said I felt fine about it. Had I not felt fine about it, he would have still been free to invite her, but chances are he wouldn’t have done that since he does care about how I feel and wants to do things that support our relationship.
Freedom in relationships between two equals can also include agreements. Agreements happen between two or more people. I once knew a couple that had an agreement that neither of them would insert any of their body parts into the orifices of another person. (That’s pretty specific, isn’t it, lol?) So french kissing with another person would not be okay. Hugging would. Kissing on the lips would. Cuddling would. Oral sex wouldn’t. Penetrative sex wouldn’t.
Agreements are also something that both people want to make. They are not one person imposing their wishes on another, and the second person becoming resentful about the restriction, or pretending to agree when they really disagree.
Some people make agreements (consciously or unconsciously) that they don’t want to make. If you find that you are breaking a certain agreement, especially if it happens repeatedly, it’s a clue that you probably didn’t want to make it in the first place.
So, yeah, just wanted to clear that up. You are no one’s property. And they are not yours.
If you continually find yourself in relationships where this becomes an issue, getting help from a therapist or coach may be your best move. These issues are often related to deep, core wounds in us and our partners, and do not tend to go away on their own.