What is True Love?

I  recently got a response from a reader on one of my blogs that provoked a lot of thought, and I’d like to respond to it here (with the readers’ permission, which I’ve already gotten.)  So that I don’t lose anything in the interpretation, I will first simply quote what the reader said:  “what I don’t get about you and poly, is that when he is with Emliy, you are feeling MONO…..and race to overcome these feeling….why?…these are our true love feelings? why bend them to make it alright?”

You know that thing in school, when the teacher says something like:  ‘If you have  a question, ask it, because I guarantee there are more of you with the same question.’?  Well, I have a feeling teachers know about this kind of stuff, and that if this one reader spoke up and asked the question, there are probably more of you who are wondering why I am insisting on continuing to be poly when it is obviously painful for me at times.

So here’s what I want to say in response to all of that, dear readers.  I respectfully disagree.  The “true love feelings” of jealousy (and the insecurity that is inevitably a part of it) are not love. 

Compersion is love.  Gratitude is love.  Appreciation is love.  Compassion is love.  Joy is love.  All of these are on the same energetic plane as love.

Jealousy and insecurity are not love.  They are based in fear.  And fear is the opposite of love.

I can understand why people might think the kind of thoughts I was having after my partner had sex with Emily were “true love feelings”.  Many of us have experienced similar thoughts and feelings when we were in love with someone, whether in a poly relationship or not.  So we may associate jealousy and wanting someone all to ourselves with true love.

Jealousy is fear of losing my partner.  It is comparing myself with my partner’s other lovers.  It is feeling like I am not enough.  It is the opposite of love and the opposite of self-love, all wrapped into one.

And when I write in my journal, speak my truth, and cry, I don’t experience any of this as racing to overcome; rather, these are all ways of honoring myself and my feelings.  These are all expressions of love also.  Bending to try to make it alright would not be love.  And that does not feel to me like what I am doing.  It is more like having compassion for myself and allowing things to unfold as they will.

I know plenty of people who readily admit that they would love to have more than one partner, only they can’t bear the thought of allowing their partner to do the same.  I believe that these people are polyamorous at heart.  They have polyamorous souls.  Only they don’t recognize that fact because of their jealousy and insecurity.   And that if they would just allow themselves to explore a non-monogamous partnership, and reveal what comes up for them with a partner that is equally committed to love and trasnparency, they would also be healing their own core wounds through their lifestyle choice.  And they would be…about as happy as I am right now.  Which is very happy.

I have never been this happy in any monogamous relationship.  My intense happiness is not only because I feel free to be more myself than I have ever been before.   It is also because I am learning how to love both myself and my partner more deeply through my willingness to look at my shadow.  It is also because of the “full catastrophe” I am facing every day.  I realize every day how precious this relationship is.  There is no false sense of security here.  The only security I have, the only security any of us has in life, is the security I source from my own willingness to be honest with myself and others, to stand in my truth, and to speak my truth.  And that is enough security for me. 🙂

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