The Wisdom of Kink
In and out of my professional life, one of the most common couples’ issues I see is that one or both partners lose interest in sex.
However, I cannot think of one KINKY couple I’ve encountered for whom lack of sexual desire is an issue.
So, what’s the solution? Everyone turn kinky? NO! It’s not for everyone. (In fact I had one woman who responded to last week’s blog by saying that she can’t even picture “kink” and “sacred” in the same sentence. And that’s okay.)
The solution COULD be, however, to look at what is different in kinky relationships that makes the partners’ sexual interest in each other withstand the test of time. What is different is that kinky sex always includes an element of POLARITY. Polarity in the sexual arena occurs when one person is expressing his or her masculine essence and one is expressing his or her feminine essence. Without polarity, there is no spark. And without spark, there is no life to the sex. Or, in extreme cases (although sadly not that rare), couples just stop having sex altogether.
Many mainstream couples these days lose the spark because of one of two things:
1. They are the classic “best friend” couple. They spend nearly all of their waking hours together. Friends? Who needs ’em? They’ve got each other. They like SO many of the same things and spend SO much time together that they almost become the same person. They are enmeshed. And while enmeshment might feel very, very secure, one thing it most certainly is NOT- is sexy. There is no polarity.
2. They have each lost touch with their dominant essence. (MOST men’s dominant essence is masculine. Not all. MOST women’s dominant essence is feminine. Not all.) When the roles in their everyday lives get reversed from what is natural for each partner, the polarity is lost. For example, in the case of a heterosexual relationship in which the woman’s dominant essence is feminine and the man’s is masculine, the woman may essentially emasculate the man by attempting to run the show in their life together. And the man may (silently) allow himself to be emasculated, in an attempt to please her. Ironically, she is not pleased, as he is not being his true self and has lost his ability to be in his masculine essence both in and out of the bedroom. Thus, the death of sexy, once again. 🙁
It is in seeing the “other” as separate and different from ourselves that eroticism is born.
So, how can couples, all couples, keep that spark alive? Here are a few places to start:
1. By spending time both together AND apart.
2. By consciously choosing to keep some mystery alive. Don’t assume you know everything about your partner, no matter how long you’ve been together. You don’t. And isn’t that a wonderful thing? Always more to discover.
3. By allowing each other to be generally in their dominant essence, whether that be masculine or feminine. You are you and have the freedom to be you without my trying to change or control you, and vice versa. We are not each others improvement project.
4. By carrying that polarity into the bedroom, too. It doesn’t have to be “kinky” to be good. Even if you switch roles sometimes. Have one partner be in a masculine role (taking the initiative, providing an experience, penetrating) and one be in a feminine role (more passive, receiving, allowing).