The Psychology of Monogamy

So the other night we were sitting in our monthly Synergistic Energy Exchange group and I was reading an article about sacred sexuality to the group.  (I like to do that lately, put on my sexy librarian glasses and read to the group.  I call it “sacred porn”.)

There’s this dude, Baba Dez Nichols, who was quoted in the article.  Baba Dez is the founder of the International School of Temple Arts in Arizona.  In the article he says: “Making more out of a relationship happens because we want something so much we distort reality. When we decide to only have sex with a soul mate or life partner, we may find ourselves in delusion about what relationship truly is, because our need for sex is so great that we subconsciously make someone fit our criteria for life partner, just so that we can have sex with them. Over time we wonder how we got involved with this person. `What was I thinking?’ ”

Interestingly, my mother came up with the same theory years ago, only with a slightly different twist. She once told me that she thought the reason people got married so young in her generation was that many of them were waiting for marriage to have sex, and they REALLY wanted to have sex. So they somehow convinced themselves they really wanted to get married.

And so I got to thinking about the relationship between beliefs and “reality”, whatever that is. (I tend to think there is no objective reality, only each individuals perception, and so when I use the word “reality”, that’s what I am referring to.) Here’s what I came up with: there are two ways to operate.

One is, changing our reality to fit our beliefs.  That is the case in the example above.  If my belief is that monogamy is the only path of sacred sexuality, and I DO want to be married/ have a life partner (so that I can be “right” and “good” when having sex), then I will distort my reality so that I think my partner is THE ONE.  I will convince myself that monogamy, and this person in particular, is all I ever wanted, even if it is not true, so that I can be a decent person in my own eyes.

The second way is to change our beliefs to fit our reality.  My personal reality, my truth, if you will, is that I desire to have more than one partner.  That is what’s natural for me.  Over time, in realizing that, I have changed my belief that monogamy is the only valid path.  My new belief is that monogamy is one sacred and valid path, and polyamory is another.  No one can determine which path is best for someone except the individual themselves.  It is not a one-size-fits-all choice.

Oh, but you might be thinking, “I’ll burn in hell if I don’t choose either celibacy or monogamous marriage”.  Who says? Where did you get those beliefs?  Was it from your own reality, your own perceptions, or those that someone else shoved down your throat?

I can see how all the popular thinking about relationships and sex comes from our society’s dominant belief that monogamy is the only right, holy, and valid choice.  But what if we allowed our reality, our experience, to inform our beliefs?  Would not some of us then come up with some different choices, informed by some different beliefs?