Sweet Spots Happen

After my (rather dramatic) blogs about my dating experience in my polyamorous relationship, you may have been wondering…well, what happened next?  Thankfully, things have settled down quite a bit, so there hasn’t been as much to tell.  And, this past weekend, I realized that my “primary” and I have reached a real “sweet spot” in our relationship, and that part of the reason for that is how we are doing handling the green-eyed monster, aka jealousy.

In writing this now, I realize it is hard to tell a story about one aspect of relationship without involving others.  That is because all aspects of relationship are intertwined. I can’t really talk about jealousy without talking about trust.

Yes, after I left off there was one more round of “I don’t trust you” (me) followed by “I’m hurt that you don’t trust me.  I’m trustworthy” (my partner).  The details of this one are very personal, so I won’t go into them.  However, suffice it to say that in this lesson, as in all life lessons, a pattern is going to keep recycling itself in one form or another until the learning is solid.  Here’s the bottom line:  if my partner is concealing something significant, whether it’s about someone he’s dating or not, my “Spidey senses” will kick in and I will start to question him.  And then he will feel like he’s being interrogated by the FBI.   It’s quite unpleasant on both ends. 😛

This event was followed up by lots of revealing on both our parts, about many things.  (I can’t really talk about trust without talking about transparency.)  There are layers and layers of revealing that can be done in relationships.  It can be scary to reveal.  Thoughts like:  “what if my partner doesn’t want to be with me anymore when (s)he finds this out?”  tend to come up, consciously or unconsciously.  And, I am of the opinion that the rewards of transparency are greater than the fear associated with getting there.

My partner has been quite adorable, clearly making it one of his priorities to be transparent.  One day he revealed something and I just sat there trying to understand why he had told me that.  I was rather perplexed as to what the point was.  Finally, he said:  “I was trying to be transparent” and we both laughed.  I would rather have him be overly transparent than not tell me enough.  With me, there is no such thing as “too much information!”

In terms of other partners, not much has happened.  We’ve each found various others attractive, he more than I, and tell each other about that experience quite readily now.  (I like to joke with him that it would be easier if he just told me who he does not find attractive,  since in my opinion it’s practically everyone he knows.  To be fair, he does have a lot of good-looking friends!)

Neither of us has been on any official dates lately.  He has a habit of going out with people and not knowing if it’s a date.  He went on one of these last week, only to find out that the person is monogamous with her partner.  I’m sure he had a good time and didn’t regret going.  For me, I didn’t know it wasn’t a “date” until afterward, so I got to see how I responded to his being out with another woman again, for the first time in a while….I am happy to report that I was very relaxed, didn’t obsess about it at all, and even felt kind of disappointed on his behalf when he told me the outcome.  And okay, yes, I also probably felt a tiny bit relieved that it won’t turn into anything more than a friendship in this case.

Stay tuned for more on our process next week, and how we arrived at the sweet spot we are now in.  Ahhh, love!

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