Stacking the Odds in Your Favor
Having and keeping clear agreements (or, changing agreements up front) is essential to having a successful relationship, any type of relationship. In poly relationships it is vital.
My new partner and I have very few agreements right now, since we’re just starting out. So far we have agreed that:
1. We are interested in being poly. We have both had “friends with benefits” in the not-too-distant past, and now we are up to something different.
2. If/when either of us finds a new (or recycled 😉 ) partner we want to enter into a relationship with, we will let each other know and talk about it before any steps are taken. There will be no: “oh, I hooked up with so-and-so last night.” This, for me, helps with the trust issue. It feels safer and cleaner to me (and I mean clean as in no emotional garbage, not physically clean).
3. Speaking of physically clean, we have also agreed that anyone we want to get into a new relationship with will need to show us- or get – what I call an “STD report card”- the results of a thorough series of tests. Yes, sometimes this involves waiting a bit to have sex (horror!), and a potential partner may balk at the idea. As far as I’m concerned, if someone is not down with that request, I am not down with having that person in my life. I am aware that having sex with anyone but a virgin (and who even knows one of those?!) carries with it some risk of STDs. Polyamory can mean more risk because there are more partners involved. Having an agreement such as this is one way to reduce that risk.
That’s as far as we’ve gotten…and that’s okay for now because neither of us has had any new partners since we’ve been together. Here are a few more questions that come to mind in terms of what agreements you and your partner(s) may want to make:
Are there some sexual practices you want to hold sacred- in other words, that you agree you will only do with each other? Will you each have “veto power” over who the other person chooses to have as a partner? Is it okay or not okay to bring other partners to your home, if you share one? What about your bed? Do you want to have a don’t ask/don’t tell policy about what you each do, sexually, with your other partners? What, exactly, constitutes “safe sex” with other partners? What about kissing, is that okay with anyone, or only with “official” partners? Is there anything personal about you or your relationship you do not want your partner to talk about with his/her other partners? Will you choose to meet or not meet each others partners?
I’m sure there are literally an unlimited number of agreements that people in poly relationships have chosen to make with each other. The wonderful thing about being poly is that there is no right or wrong way to do anything. You get to make it up! (Well, that is true in my opinion about all of life!) Do what works best for you. And remember that nothing is written in stone. Personally, I like to think of my life as one big series of experiments. If you make an agreement that is not working for one or both people involved, simply talk about that and change the agreement!