Parting on Good Terms

It occurs to me lately that most of us have a great deal of trouble, once we realize that a relationship is over, leaving on good terms.  It is as if we get amnesia for all the good things about our partners, all the reasons we were together in the first place, and only remember what is supposedly “wrong” with that person and why the breakup is occurring.  It may be a six month relationship, or it may be a twenty year marriage. It doesn’t matter.  It is still important, and absolutely possible, to patch things up before you depart.

Here are some important things to keep in mind to help facilitate your ability to love and honor your partner and the life your have shared, even in your departure from each other:

1.  Be clear.  If it is over, it is over.  Staying in the same house for an extended period, once the decision has been made, can cause a lot of hard feelings.  Continuing to have sex with the person you are splitting up with can do the same.  Guilt can cause some of these behaviors, but the price you will pay is not worth it in the long run.

2.  Speaking of guilt, let go of it.  It is probably the most useless human emotion you can have.  Realize that what is good for you (if you are the one leaving) IS good for the other person.  Does anyone really want to be with someone who pities them?  By leaving, you are giving both yourself and your ex an opportunity to create the relationship you both want next.  Make a decision and surrender to God/Goddess/All That Is anything that is not serving you, such as your guilt.

3.  Forgiveness is huge.  Forgive both yourself and your partner for “failing” in the relationship.  It is not really a failure anyway.  Also forgive your partner for any perceived “wrongs” that he or she has committed.  Realize that even the things which you found it challenging to accept happened for a reason and are opportunities for your learning.

4. Thank your partner.  When I broke up with my partner last year, I wrote him a 2-3 page thank you letter.  It listed all the things I was grateful for in the relationship.  Not just the “good” but the “bad” also.  For instance, I thanked him for frequently being late, because his lateness enabled me to get practice expressing my feelings, learn how to let the anger go, and to forgive.  By the way, when you can thank your partner for even the things that used to bother you, it is a sign that you have reached forgiveness.

5.  If at all possible (that is, unless there was horrible abuse in the relationship), think of the breakup as a change in your relationship with each other, not the end of it.  Of course, no one can go from being lovers one day to friends the next.  You will need a period of separation and only the two of you can say how long that period must be.  But in time, you will both have healed enough to be able to create a beautiful friendship.

I believe that love really is forever.  That doesn’t mean you will always stay together with each partner.  But it does mean that you go on loving each other even after the romantic part of the relationship is over.