New Relationship Paradigm

My blog the other day, “Jealousy of Time”, brought up some “yeah, buts” in some of you…understandably so.

We have all been taught- by our parents, by the larger society, by the collective, that relationships are a certain way:  If you’re in a relationship, you are part of a whole.  Collectively, the two of you make up 100%.  Fifty-fifty and all that.  Some people even go as far as to call their partner their “better half”.  We are also told that the way to get along in a relationship is to compromise, and that we must make sacrifices for each other.  And why wouldn’t we believe that all of that is true?  We’ve heard it for so long….

I’ve questioned all of this.  And here’s what I’ve come up with:  we have a choice.  We can go with the old way of doing relationships, or we can try on something different.  I’d have to say, from my personal experience and observations, that the old paradigm hasn’t been working that well, so why not consider something new?

Here’s how the new paradigm works:

You are whole.  You are complete within yourself.  Your responsibility for creating your life (including your relationship) is 100%.

There’s no blaming in this model.  It is not the other person’s “fault” when something happens.  You are co-creating it all, for a reason- for your highest good, growth, and learning.

There are also no “shoulds”.  Who says?

You have every right to ask for what you want from your partner, and your partner has every right to check in with him or her self and say yes or no.  (Of course, if you get “no” more often than not, you may want to look at whether you really want to stay in a situation where you rarely get your needs met.)  Similarly, if you partner asks something of you, and you don’t want to give it, say no.

In short, I am saying something totally against the “code” (the old paradigm), and that is put yourself first.  That does not mean your partner will never get his or her desires met.  It does not have to be an either/or anymore.  Either I get what I want, or you get what you want.   Either I am happy or you are happy.  The question to ask now is:  I wonder how we can both be happy?

In the new paradigm of relationship, both people get to express their feelings, wants, and needs. There is no need to do things out of a sense of obligation.  (After all, would you really want your partner to spend time with you, for example, as a sacrifice?  I know I don’t!)  This opens up new possibilities.

Let me give you an example.  One day I had plans with a friend, and realized that the timing was no longer convenient for me.  I was a little scared to bring it up, but I talked to her anyway and asked if we could make the time a couple hours later.  I had made up a story that she would be hurt and disappointed, thinking that I do not value our friendship as much as she does.  That didn’t happen.  She said that she was in the same predicament, and getting together a bit later would work out perfectly for her.  That was a win-win.

I know this was a friend example, and a very simple one, and things can be just as easy with your partner.  Without the sense of duty and the guilt trips, we are all happier in our relationships, and that can cause us to genuinely want to do some pretty nice things for our partners!

 

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