My Latest Adventure, Part II
So there we were, still at this weekend event with tons of attractive women all around my partner, and I was trying my best to get un-triggered and get back to having fun. It wasn’t long, though, before something else happened that brought up all my fears and insecurities again. And it was inevitable, because I was really not done processing this issue.
A woman I’ve never heard of before got my partner alone and invited him to walk outside with her . He was extremely flattered and happy about this, although he told her he couldn’t. This was because I was already waiting for him to finish his kitchen duties so he and I could do the same. But even just his telling me about what happened got my imagination going again. (Yuck- I am feeling anxious right now just writing about it! Taking a deep breath…blowing out fear and anxiety.)
The next morning I shared my re-triggering with him, and got into a blaming mode with him in which I told him: “this is not what I signed up for.” I’m not sure why, but he let me get away with this. My guess is that sometimes he is not sure if he has actually done something “wrong” or if I am just being a drama queen. In this case, it was option B. 😉 I was still feeling angry, trying to blame him for my fear and anxiety rather than take responsibility for it, and feeling like a victim. Every victim needs a villain, and I was electing him.
I told him I just needed to cry for a while, and kind of invited him to give me some space. I cried about our relationship, and also about my fear about my work- probably a few other things, too. I don’t remember. (Do you ever get on a roll like that and just get all the feelings you’ve been resisting coming out at once?) I cried for a looong time, enough to get the red puffy eyes, which I tried rather unsuccessfully to cover up with makeup , and then re-joined the rest of the people out having a good time. And again, I felt okay. I even felt good after a while, close to my partner, and happy.
But alas, I was not done. I think I was trying really hard to convince myself that I was all set. It feels like it was because I was afraid I was going to lose my partner’s love if I went on with this too long. He has brought up more that once that on our first date I told him I “don’t do drama”. The last thing I want to be is a drama queen….and I know he thinks I am one, or at least a “mini drama-princess”, a term he recently dubbed. Okay, that I can accept. I guess. 🙂
It wasn’t long before I got mad at him for something else. Because the truth was, I was (irrationally) still mad at him for the first thing. Along with the “I didn’t sign up for this” was the “you don’t respect my time” one, which was really because we’d had a miscommunication about our plans. At this point, we both started to say things in a not-so-conscious way, and he very wisely suggested that we talk when we were both calmer.
For me, as for most women, it is extremely hard to put an argument aside and wait ’til a later time to resolve it. And, I’m proud to say, I did it! How did I do it? Part of me wants to say I don’t know. But the truth is, I resolved to put it away in a little box and to be able to enjoy my time with him until then. In other words, I committed to it. We steered clear of controversial subjects and it was at least okay, and sometimes fun, for me until we talked the next day.
Please “stay tuned” for my next blog in which I explain how we finally resolved all this, all the learning we had in the end and how, despite current appearances, we really DO spend more time f*cking than talking!