My Latest Adventure

It’s been a while since I’ve written about my latest adventures in polyamory .(Or should I say “hybrid non-monogamy”?  Please read my last post called “The Purification of Swinging” for more info!)  My primary partner and I had been moving along quite nicely with little to no drama (yay!)- until recently….

Let me set the scene for you, as it is important to the story.  We were recently at  a weekend event in which my boyfriend had a lot of responsibility.  He wasn’t really available for the usual amount of frolicking that we have been accustomed to enjoying together.  During this very same weekend, it was as if there were a sign taped to him saying:  “I’m hot, available, and interested in you!”  And the women saw the sign.   To the point that I more or less had to wait in line just to speak to my partner.  And during two consecutive dinners, one of these women plopped herself down next to him (two different women on two different nights) and proceeded to chat him up.

Here’s the part where it started to feel really not okay with me.  He barely acknowledged my presence sitting on the other side of him.  Especially on the second night.  This woman came over, kissed him, and sat down.  He didn’t even introduce me to the woman, and didn’t look at me or include me in the conversation at all, until she got up to get some dessert and he wondered out loud whether the showers for two we had been using would fit three.  That was it.  I was officially triggered!  And oh, was it a big one!

I will be fair and say that my partner has not experienced this kind of popularity among women before, or at least not since before his twenty-five year marriage, and I think he was feeling a bit star struck by the youth and beauty of the women approaching him.  And enjoying it a lot.  Both of which I completely understand.  Also, he was unaware of what he was doing, or how ignored I was feeling. And, I was already a bit raw about my recent personal journey with realizing that I need to buckle down and get serious about my life purpose, which is absolutely terrifying to me.  So there were a lot of factors at play here to create a perfect storm.

When I let him know how I was feeling, he was great.  After dinner, we went to our tent and talked for a while.  He even suggested that we use a Tantric technique we know to create sacred space for our conversation.  I let him know I felt angry about the way he was treating me, and he totally took responsibility and apologized for that.  There was more, though.  The aggressiveness of the woman he had been talking to that night seemed to trigger that panicked feeling and all my insecurities and fear of being abandoned.  And my mind started to go into imaginary mode.  About how he was constantly meeting more women he wanted to sleep with, and there was no predictability to our relationship, and how I could lose him to any one of them. When this happens, it is a very slippery slope, and although I realize that it is not based in reality, it feels like it is, to me.  He was supportive and expressed concern about how badly I was feeling.  And patient.  When this happens, I keep expecting him to tell me I need to get over this, and stop doing it, but he never does.

I felt heard and supported.  We went out and joined the rest of the community again.  And I felt better.  Not knowing that I was really not complete with this.

Now, I hate to do this again, and the truth is, this learning was a very long one.  It took me/us a week to get to the bottom of all of it, to benefit from all the learning, and to get back to feeling great about our relationship.  So I will need at least one  more blog to tell you the rest of what happened.  Please be patient with me as I learn to be patient with myself… at least you know there is a happy ending!

 

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