My Boyfriend’s Not a Shmuck…

…and poly doesn’t suck.

It has come to my attention that a number of you, after reading my blogs in which I describe all the most painful moments of my primary relationship, have come to the conclusion that- well, basically, that my primary partner is a schmuck.  While I  don’t actually care if anyone thinks that (I have come to the point in my life that as long as I know what’s true, nothing else matters), I recently realized that I do care if:

1.  My readers start assuming that because my boyfriend appears to be an asshole sometimes, that it is proof that polyamory doesn’t work, or…

2.  My readers start assuming that I have no credibility because I allow someone to treat me like sh*t, and therefore, why would they want to listen to anything I have to say?

So allow me to address the above possible concerns that you may have.  Here’s what I have to say about the whole topic in general:

He truly isn’t a schmuck.  Yes, you have “seen” him at his worst moments.  We all have those times when we are not exactly shining examples of consciousness.  We all have our dark side- pr, as my boyfriend likes to say, our “clueless” side.  Call it what you will.  It’s all based in fear.

Perhaps I have not shared enough about his best moments.  Like when he (voluntarily) gets out of bed at six in the morning to make me a three-egg omelette, with toast and fruit salad for breakfast, because I am hungry and tired, but too tired to get up, and too hungry to sleep.  Or when he remembers our anniversary better than I do.  Or when he tells his friends that he has “the best girlfriend in the world”. Or when I am looking at him and feeling so much love for him, and I see it reflected right back at me in his eyes. Or when he fixes things around my house without my even asking him to.  Or when he gives me full-body massages on my massage table.  Or when he gives me at-home pedicures that are better than some of the professional pedicures I’ve had.  And the sexual favors…well, I can’t even begin to tell you….;)

I think you get the idea.

What is also true is that every relationship, whether  monogamous or non-monogamous, has its not-so-great parts.  And it is not because of whether a couple chooses to have an open relationship or not.  It is because the purpose of relationship is to help us learn and grow. It is with this person (or people) that we feel safe enough to have our deepest wounds exposed, to give us an opportunity to create a different experience this time around, to heal them.

This new paradigm way of seeing one’s partner, rather than the shmuck who does things that piss us off, or hurt us, is the more conscious way, and the way that leaves the power in our hands.  If I take responsibility for co-creating all that exists in my relationship with my partner, yes it does mean that sometimes I have to wonder why I would do that- but it also means that I get to choose again.  If I don’t like something that I have created, I can ask questions such as:  “Hmm, I wonder how I created this?”,   “I wonder what I can learn from this?” , and “I wonder what is calling out to be healed now?”  I know that as soon as my partner proves him or herself to be less than perfect, and we all are, I don’t have to rush to trade him in for a new one.  Or assume that I’ve chosen the wrong partner.  Perhaps I’ve chosen exactly the right partner to bring the most potent issues to light, for my highest good.

There is always something in it for both of us.  If I am gigantically pissed off because my partner has broken an agreement with me, then yes there is something there for him to learn about keeping his agreements. And perhaps there is also something there for me to learn- about giving this very clear message:  “Don’t f*ck with me!!!”.  Perhaps I have not done such a good job being clear with my boundaries and my right to have them respected.  And when I do get very, very clear on that, I will no longer require anyone to trespass on my boundaries.

If, on the other hand, I decide that my partner is at fault every time I experience pain in the relationship, and that I need to break up with him for that, then chances are I will just get in another relationship with another man that does the same things.  Because I have failed to take responsibility for co-creating the situation.  I would then call in the relationship that I like to call “same person, different face”…and I’m kind of fond of my partner’s face.  So I think I’ll stick with him and see what more amazing growth and learning and joy- and yes, pain- we can create together in the future!  🙂

---