Musings on the Green-Eyed Monster
The topic of jealousy has been coming up lately, as my partner and I have both been starting to date others in addition to each other. We have each felt a twinge of jealousy at times, nothing major. And I would say that both of us tend to be generally less prone to jealousy than the average person. (That’s a good thing, since otherwise being in a poly relationship would be much more challenging!)
The whole thing, however, got me thinking about the nature of jealousy and how the pain involved can be minimized.
Let’s start with a working definition of jealousy, just so you know where I’m coming from. In terms of relationships, I define jealousy as a fear of losing someone. I differentiate that from envy, which is wanting something that someone else has.
The question that came up for me, first, is this: Is jealousy an innate or learned emotion? My first instinct was to say it is learned. But then I thought about some situations in which it seems it cannot have been learned yet, as say with babies getting “jealous” of attention to others rather than themselves. Going to the research seemed like a logical next step. Scientifically speaking, there is a body of evidence that jealousy is learned. There is also a body of evidence that jealousy is innate. So, as is so often the case in life, the question does not have a simple answer. Apparently, jealous is both- learned and innate.
Since it is at least partly learned, that means the part that was learned can be unlearned. Here are a few things I have found helpful. Although my life situation is unique to me, these tools can be applied to any situation in which you encounter the pain associated with jealousy.
1. Remembering how perfect and loveable I am. No, I don’t mean I really think I am perfect. I mean that I am perfect in all of my imperfection. I don’t have a perfect body, personality, or character. And I am good enough, just as I am. Not after I go to the gym and lift weights every day so I can be cut up like I was in my twenties. Right now. I am good enough in all ways, therefore I am lovable just as I am. The more I love myself, the more I realize there is no reason my partner would leave me for someone else. (Plus, in our case, he doesn’t have to: we’re poly. 😉 )
2. Remembering that no matter what happens, I will be fine. Okay, logically, realistically, my partner ( who is currently on another continent ) is probably not going to meet the woman of his dreams in Japan, decide to move there, and leave me. And, it’s within the realm of possibilities. Anything is possible. So I ask myself the worst case scenario question: If it happened, what then? Would I be devastated? Yes. Have I been devastated before? Yes. Would I get through it and come out all shiny and new on the other side, yet again? Yes.
3. Keeping myself “in the know”. Letting the real “story” take precedence over the made-up story. If my partner is on a date with someone else, I ask him to check in with me when the date is over, and let me know how it went and what happened. It’s not that I don’t trust him to keep our agreements. It’s that if I don’t find out what his experience is, I might start making it up, and the made up story is almost always way more threatening than reality.
4. Questioning my beliefs about relationships. If I start to think my partner/I “shouldn’t” or “should” feel or behave a certain way, I ask myself the question: “Is that really true? Where did I get that idea? If I was fed it by mainstream society, does this belief serve me?” It’s my life. I get to make it up. My beliefs are just thoughts that I have had over and over. If I don’t like how I’m feeling, I can choose to change my thoughts, which will in turn change my feelings.
5. Speaking my truth. When I have a fear come up, I talk about it. Sometimes I don’t even know what it is myself, until we talk, so I start with my body sensations. I might say something like: “I just noticed I got a fluttering sensation in my throat when you were talking about your date with Susie-Q tomorrow night.” Then, the feeling either completely goes away, or mellows out. The “green-eyed monster” doesn’t like being in the light. It tends to run when that happens.